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Defending Our Kids: The Julie Posey Story January 19, 2011

Posted by Kate in 30-36, cyber seduction, Kate Sullivan-Jones.
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When I was 12, my parents bought a Mac Performa with a 14.4 modem. That summer, my friends and I would anxiously wait as that computer noisily attempted to connect to America Online, so that we could go into chat rooms and tell lies. In the “Married but Looking” room, we convinced a man to meet us at the food court in the mall in Denver, Colorado. “You’ll know who I am,” I typed from my living room on Cape Cod, “I’ll be the one with the long black hair and the tight leather minidress.” “I’m twelve, and I’m in college, and I’m looking for a man,” my friends and I gigglingly announced in another chat room, only to end up feeling guilty when we were instant messaged by an adult expressing concern for the promiscuous prepubescent genius.

As far as Lifetime is concerned, my experience was unusual. Chat rooms are actually filled with pedophiles waiting to kidnap and molest innocent children. Thank God for Julie Posey.

Defending Our Kids is only part of the Julie Posey story. In the movie, Annie Potts plays a suburban mom who pretends to be a young girl online to help cops track down internet pedophiles. The real Julie Posey did this, too, but she also went on the Montel Williams show, where she was reunited with the son she gave up for adoption when she was in high school. If you watch the video, you’ll learn that her son was conceived when Julie was being sexually abused. If you Google Julie Posey, you’ll find that she wrote a book with her son about how they were brought together by MySpace and Montel. You’ll also find this distressing page, which suggests that her daughter Kristyn disappeared with her baby. In short, poor Ms. Posey has led the most Lifetimey life possible.

The movie version starts with Julie and her husband celebrating with Kristyn on her thirteenth birthday. Kristyn brattily rejects the clothes her mother gives her, but swoons over the new laptop her father has set up in her pretty pink bedroom. Almost instantly, Kristyn has arranged a meeting with a guy who calls himself “MAGICMAN.” Julie gets there just in time to drag her daughter away from the middle-aged creep, but when she tries to report the scumbag to the police, they tell her no crime has been committed. Julie and two detectives, who I’ll call Benson and Stabler, decide to set up an internet sting: Julie will pretend to be “Candy,” a young teen looking for older male company in chat rooms. She’ll agree to meet the pedophile, then the cops will arrest him. She even gets help from her daughter! “Don’t put ‘reading’ as an interest in your profile,” sneers Kristyn, “put ‘chillin’ instead.” Clearly, the screenwriter did not have a helpful teenage daughter.

Julie’s husband is concerned that this is a bad idea, but what does he know? He’s just a man. Feminism, according to Lifetime, means never having to listen to your stupid husband.

Because everyone in this movie is an idiot, Detective Benson dresses up as a middle schooler to meet the perverts in real life. I mean, I understand that they can’t use an actual child, but couldn’t they find a young-looking college student instead of an obvious cop?

Oh, also the detectives are dating each other. Oh, and Julie is hiding the fact that she was sexually abused as a child. What could go wrong?

Well, Julie could imagine that the pedophile that fake teenager Benson is meeting at a diner has a gun, then freak out and blow the bust. Ladycop Benson understands that it was a mistake, but mean mean Mancop Stabler refuses to work with her anymore. Julie’s husband is relieved that she’s back in the kitchen where she belongs.

For like five seconds. Then, Julie gets served and has to go to court and tell everyone that she was abused, which makes her look like a vengeful nutbag. This throws doubt on the internet evidence that she has worked so hard to collect, and though it is eventually ruled admissible, Stabler reiterates that she can no longer work with the police.

Julie becomes a real estate agent and has nightmares about her daughter talking to creeps online. She also has flashbacks of her own abuse. Her husband sees how sad she is, and suggests that she return to the only thing that makes her truly happy: having cybersex with old men while pretending to be fourteen.

She returns to Benson and Stabler with the new evidence she has collected, and begs the detectives to let her work with them again. Without consulting anyone else at the police department, they take her back. Julie then busts a shit ton of pervs, and becomes closer to her formerly surly daughter.

One night, she’s in her favorite chatroom, and she sees MAGICMAN, the creep who tried to bone her daughter! He messages her, but just as she’s about to set up a meeting, the feds storm in and take her laptop. This is the only part of the movie where Julie successfully acts like a teenager. “Just fifteen more minutes!” she wails as they pry the computer out of her hands.

Julie runs to the detectives again, but there’s a problem: Benson and Stabler got married, and Benson got so excited that her ankle broke! How can they bust this monster if their fake teenager is on crutches? No teenager has ever been on crutches! It’ll blow their cover. Obviously, the only solution is for Julie to dress up in her daughter’s clothes and meet the pedophile herself. The detectives put a wire on her so that they can listen to her conversation and arrest Magic Man before he gets too handsy.

According to this movie, cops can just do whatever the fuck they want, without ever filling out paperwork or consulting higher-ups. Unfortunately, their state-of-the-art spying-on-pedophiles technology has one flaw: the wire falls off and breaks if the wearer is slightly bumped by a kid on a skateboard (who is hilariously referred to by Julie as “some guy on wheels”).

Not realizing that the detectives can no longer hear her, Julie follows Magic Man to a super creepy, deserted playground. He gets too close, and Julie starts having flashbacks again. She screams for help, and finally, after a terrifying fifteen seconds, the police rush in to arrest the molester and save Julie.

“You’re a cop?” the shocked pervert asks.

“I’m just a housewife,” replies a smug Julie.

AWESOMENESS: 10

I liked how fast-paced this movie was, and there were some funny moments (like when Kristyn’s poem about a huge zit is read aloud to her entire class by her total cunt of an English teacher). Still, the movie wasn’t good enough to be enjoyable as a real movie, and it wasn’t bad enough to leave me screaming “what the FUCK?” at my computer screen like other Lifetime movies have.


HEY! IT’S THAT GUY!: 10

LIFETIMENESS: 10

Where do I begin? This movie has multiple bad guys, all of whom prey on young girls. The heroine is a housewife who has no skills other than her natural woman’s intuition, yet she still saves the day. The husband doubts his wife, and he is wrong. The teenage daughter thinks her mom is lame, and she is also wrong. The cops get married, fer crissakes. The movie even ends with misleading statistics that will scare you into locking up your daughter and smashing up your computer.

GRAND TOTAL: 30

I hope everything is OK with the Posey family now. That said, I kinda wonder if there’s gonna be a sequel.

Comments»

1. H$ - January 19, 2011

“This is the only part of the movie where Julie successfully acts like a teenager. ‘Just fifteen more minutes!’ she wails as they pry the computer out of her hands.” Ha! Nice.

2. Rusty - January 20, 2011

Janine-isms, GO!:

“GHOSTBUST-AHS, WHADDYA WANT!?”
“I’ve quit bettah jobs than this!”
“WE GOT ONE!!!”

3. Kate - January 20, 2011

Does anyone else get Montel Williams and Montel Jordan mixed up?

4. Norman Greene - January 20, 2011

Where is my CRAIGSLIST KILLER REVIEW!!!

5. Norman Greene - January 20, 2011

Also, I love that the nearsighted pedophile (who can’t tell that Annie Potts is 57 and wearing a baseball cap) is named “MAGICMAN.” I was half hoping he’d be played by John C. Reilly from THE LEGEND OF RICKY BOBBY.

“I’m the Magic Man! Now you see me, now you don’t!!!”

6. Rusty - January 21, 2011

Mr. Greene,

One of the new features on the site is the “Coming Soon” box on the right hand side. You’ll see a new review is coming today followed by Craigslist Killer on Monday.

7. Rusty - January 21, 2011

And I just got your name. Well done.

Norman Greene - January 23, 2011

Yes, it’s spelled Greene with an “E.”

I hope my stupid wife didn’t de-alphabetize the spice rack again!

8. Rusty - January 27, 2011
9. DrPartyPants - February 1, 2011

Bahaha, Benson and Stabler. That’s actually what I thought of when I saw that movie!

10. kim - July 24, 2011

Does anyone know where you can watch this movie?!


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