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Amanda Knox: Murder on Trial in Italy March 1, 2011

Posted by Rusty in 25-29, amanda knox.
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I used to date someone who worked in new media and she always insisted that I never open a blog post with an apology for not posting in a while. Never do that. It’s very amateur hour.

(She also said to always post at 11am or 2pm to maximize page views but in a slutty rush for immediate attention, that goes out the window. Please note that this review is being posted at, like, 9pm. At least it’s not a weekend! [Hint, hint, Kate.])

But, I mean, I am very sorry that eight days after the premiere of Amanda Knox: Murder on Trial in Italy, we haven’t posted a review. Part of it was Amanda Knox burn out. The other thing is that after H$ and I watched the movie and when we started working on a review, we realized that we didn’t remember a god damned thing about the movie. We were so busy making snide remarks on the Twitter and the Facebook that we missed the Amanda Knox Forest for the Amanda Knox Trees.

Whatever. Enough is enough. I am churning this bad boy out.

Amanda Knox is from Seattle. She is a Huskie. She likes foreign languages. So off to Italy with her.

GET IT!?

We get to Knox’s beautiful villa  (I don’t know if it’s a villa or not but it’s Italian, so whatever) and things are awfully suspicious. Did someone break in? Best to call the police. They find blood, shattered glass, and a dead English poli sci student lady. It takes the police a hot second to realize that the glass was broken from the inside and that the Brit, Meredith Kercher, was killed by someone who didn’t break in. Cheerio, mate!

Now we are in Flashback Italy. Amanda meets Raffaele, a Harry Potter lookalike whose name is not spelled like the Ninja Turtle. Thanks, asshole. Now I have to look it up.

Anyways, Raffaele is clearly the typical Lifetime Evil Dude. He likes manga which is such an obvious sign of trouble. On the plus ledger, Amanda points out that his dad has a lot of money and he is not a geek (FALSE!), so obviously they must date and have a shit ton of intercourse. This intercourse is presumably so hot and awesome that it will make you want to have a three way with an African dude and then stab a lady in the neck parts. Spoiler?

When the police are investigating Meredith’s death, Raffaele and Amanda have the good sense to make out in the waiting room. Later, Amanda practices cartwheels. Hey, jerkwad, Turin hosted the Winter Games. Save that cartwheel shit for Barcelona. Anyways,  her ambivalence and detachment raises enough red flags to get the police involved.

Oh, Amanda’s mom, Oscar winner Marcia Gay Harden, begs Amanda to come home. Amanda doesn’t listen. This is what the casual observer would refer to as a “whoopsie.”

So the police get it in their head that Raffaele and Amanda are behind everything and they don’t have a real good reason, so, sex murder. They interrogate Raffaele who I swear to God looks and is dressed exactly like Velma from Scooby Doo and he folds like…I dunno, like, a folding chair, I guess?

Next up for hours of interrogation is Amanda. Despite being some kind of language savant, she is a-maybe a-not so a-good with the eye-talian. The interrogators also laughably/awesomely ask Amanda to “use her imagination” when it comes to explaining what “might” have happened that night. She pins it on her boss at a local restaurant.

Of course the boss has an airtight alibi so Amanda Knox and Raffaele are arrested for real this time. The cops tell Amanda that she has HIV and ask for a list of all the men she’s slept with. That list gets leakes and now Amanda Knox isn’t just a murderer, she is a slut. (She also shoves the doctor who tells her it was a false positive. Bet that’s the first and last time he gets attacked for telling someone they didn’t have the bug.)

So she goes on trial with Raffy and some African dude. Amanda’s motive was that she hated Meredith for

If you're going to put muddled mint in a cocktail, I expect lots of bourbon.

1. Telling Amanda to clean up after herself in a shared bathroom

2. Impressing Amanda’s boss by making a really good mojito.

So obviously Meredith was the real villain here. Mojitos are gross.

Amanda’s mom travels to Italy and cried a lot and everyone is convicted and whatever.

If you’ve read this far wondering if Lifetime made Amanda Knox to be a criminal or not, the answer is sadly inconclusive. Lifetime takes no stand here. We know that men are suspicious and male authority figures are especially nefarious, but everything else is up in the air. Someone call Tracy Morgan and Bruce Willis, this movie is a Cop Out.

AWESOMENESS: 9 (out of 20)

I’ve long complained of Lifetime’s habit of taking Freytag’s Pyramid and turning the falling action into a 75 minute battle of attrition. This movie is one of the worst offenders. As soon as the authorities determine Knox is a suspect, nothing happens until she is finally convicted. It is brutal. But everything else about it is competent, so yay for low standards.

HEY! IT’S THAT GUY!: 6

Is Hayden Panettiere really that famous? Think about it. She was on a show that had one strong season ratings-wise and then sank like a rock because it was a waste of everyone’s time. I know who she is and was surprised that she sank this low, but I don’t think she’s anything above B-list.

As for Amanda Knox’s mom, Marcia Gay Harden, props for being in the all time classic She’s Too Young. And I suppose props for winning an Oscar. Although I bet if you asked 100 people on the street what movie she won an Oscar for, you’d get an equal number of responses for “I don’t know” and “Who’s Marcia Gay Harden?” Don’t get me wrong, I love Mystic River. But when you’re most famous for a role where you’re the fifth listed cast member, that don’t make you too famous either.

LIFETIMENESS: 10

A little girl lost in a culture she doesn’t understand sleeps with the wrong guy and ends up becoming either a sex-crazed homicidal sociopath OR a little girl lost being framed for murder (by men) with a corrupt judicial system (run by men) so happy to see her go down. I mean, JESUS CHRIST! Even if this weren’t based on a true story this would have been on Lifetime eventually.

GRAND TOTAL: 25

Have you noticed that I give way lower scores than my colleagues? Why am I such a grouch? I think I’m harder on the HEY! IT’S THAT GUY! category. So this review follows type. An Oscar winner and an up-and-coming starlet and SIX! NOT GOOD ENOUGH!

I’d feel a lot worse about it if the movie weren’t such a piece of shit.

Comments»

1. Daniel - March 1, 2011

“Some one call Tracy Morgan and Bruce Willis, this movie is a Cop Out.” ZING! This movie may have blown, but the review was great. I hear you on the mojitos too, blah.com.

2. hrh king friday xiii, ret. - March 2, 2011

Worst Harry Potter movie ever.

3. H$ - March 2, 2011

Well done, Rusty. Sorry I failed to contribute, but I swear that the 3-odd paragraphs I wrote about the movie before I gave up are funny. Maybe if we ever release a L,W! book we can have an “extras” section where we put aborted reviews and photos of me throwing up on your couch.

4. Abby - March 3, 2011

Wow I feel like such a nerd for saying this but I think MGH won the Oscar for Pollock, not Mystic River . . . she was really good in it but probably no one saw that movie anyway so, whatever. Speaking of, Ed Harris isn;t doing much these days . . . Lifetime?

5. Rusty - March 3, 2011

You are absolutely right and I knew that. My point was that she wasn’t famous for Pollack, or for anything, really.

My fault for being unclear.

6. Harry Rag - March 5, 2011

The evidence against Amanda Knox and Raffaele Sollecito is overwhelming. They gave completely different accounts of where they were, who they were with and what they were doing on the night of the murder. Neither Knox nor Sollecito have credible alibis despite three attempts each. All the other people who were questioned had one credible alibi that could be verified. Innocent people don’t give multiple conflicting alibis and lie repeatedly to the police.

The DNA didn’t miraculously deposit itself in the most incriminating of places.

An abundant amount of Raffaele Sollecito’s DNA was found on Meredith’s bra clasp. His DNA was identified by two separate DNA tests. Of the 17 loci tested in the sample, Sollecito’s profile matched 17 out of 17.

According to Sollecito’s forensic expert, Professor Vinci, Knox’s DNA was on Meredith’s bra.

Amanda Knox’s DNA was found on the handle of the double DNA knife and a number of independent forensic experts – Dr. Patrizia Stefanoni, Dr. Renato Biondo and Professor Francesca Torricelli – categorically stated that Meredith’s DNA was on the blade. Sollecito knew that Meredith’s DNA was on the blade which is why he twice lied about accidentally pricking her hand whilst cooking.

There were five instances of Knox’s DNA mixed with Meredith’s blood in three different locations in the cottage.

Knox tracked Meredith’s blood into the bathroom, the hallway, her room and Filomena’s room, where the break-in was staged. Knox’s DNA and Meredith’s blood was found mixed together in Filomena’s room, in a bare bloody footprint in the hallway and in three places in the bathroom.

Rudy Guede’s bloody footprints led straight out of Meredith’s room and out of the house. This means that he didn’t stage the break-in in Filomena’s room or go into the blood-spattered bathroom after Meredith had been stabbed.

The bloody footprint on the blue bathmat in the bathroom matched the precise characteristics of Sollecito’s foot, but couldn’t possibly belong to Guede. Knox’s and Sollecito’s bare bloody footprints were revealed by luminol in the hallway.

It’s not a coincidence that the three people – Knox, Sollecito and Guede – who kept telling the police a pack of lies are all implicated by the DNA and forensic evidence.

Amanda Knox voluntarily admitted that she was involved in Meredith’s murder in her handwritten note to the police on 6 November 2007. After she was informed that Sollecito was no longer providing her with an alibi, she stated on at least four separate occasions that she was at the cottage when Meredith was killed. At the trial, Sollecito refused to corroborate Knox’s alibi that she was at his apartment.

Knox accused an innocent man, Diya Lumumba, of murdering Meredith despite the fact she knew he was completely innocent. She didn’t recant her false and malicious allegation against Lumumba the whole time he was in prison. She admitted that it was her fault that Lumumba was in prison in an intercepted conversation with her mother on 10 November 2007.

The English translation of the Massei report can be downloaded from here:

http://www.perugiamurderfile.org/viewtopic.php?p=53735

7. hrh king friday xiii, ret. - October 3, 2011

The juice is loose!

8. harryrag (@harryrag) - December 31, 2013

If anybody wants to understand the reasons why Amanda Knox was convicted of murder, I recommend reading the translations of the official court documents and court testimony. They are available online at the Meredith Kercher wiki website:

http://themurderofmeredithkercher.com/Main_Page

9. Lizzie Borden Took an Ax | Lifetime, Wow! - January 27, 2014

[…] since no one can sue for libel on the family’s behalf. Can you imagine if they did that to Amanda Knox? Christ. Lizzie Borden was acquitted not because she was a lady and ladies aren’t capable of […]


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