Amanda Knox: Murder on Trial in Italy March 1, 2011Posted by Rusty in 25-29, amanda knox.
I used to date someone who worked in new media and she always insisted that I never open a blog post with an apology for not posting in a while. Never do that. It’s very amateur hour.
(She also said to always post at 11am or 2pm to maximize page views but in a slutty rush for immediate attention, that goes out the window. Please note that this review is being posted at, like, 9pm. At least it’s not a weekend! [Hint, hint, Kate.])
But, I mean, I am very sorry that eight days after the premiere of Amanda Knox: Murder on Trial in Italy, we haven’t posted a review. Part of it was Amanda Knox burn out. The other thing is that after H$ and I watched the movie and when we started working on a review, we realized that we didn’t remember a god damned thing about the movie. We were so busy making snide remarks on the Twitter and the Facebook that we missed the Amanda Knox Forest for the Amanda Knox Trees.
Whatever. Enough is enough. I am churning this bad boy out.
We get to Knox’s beautiful villa (I don’t know if it’s a villa or not but it’s Italian, so whatever) and things are awfully suspicious. Did someone break in? Best to call the police. They find blood, shattered glass, and a dead English poli sci student lady. It takes the police a hot second to realize that the glass was broken from the inside and that the Brit, Meredith Kercher, was killed by someone who didn’t break in. Cheerio, mate!
Now we are in Flashback Italy. Amanda meets Raffaele, a Harry Potter lookalike whose name is not spelled like the Ninja Turtle. Thanks, asshole. Now I have to look it up.
Anyways, Raffaele is clearly the typical Lifetime Evil Dude. He likes manga which is such an obvious sign of trouble. On the plus ledger, Amanda points out that his dad has a lot of money and he is not a geek (FALSE!), so obviously they must date and have a shit ton of intercourse. This intercourse is presumably so hot and awesome that it will make you want to have a three way with an African dude and then stab a lady in the neck parts. Spoiler?
When the police are investigating Meredith’s death, Raffaele and Amanda have the good sense to make out in the waiting room. Later, Amanda practices cartwheels. Hey, jerkwad, Turin hosted the Winter Games. Save that cartwheel shit for Barcelona. Anyways, her ambivalence and detachment raises enough red flags to get the police involved.
Oh, Amanda’s mom, Oscar winner Marcia Gay Harden, begs Amanda to come home. Amanda doesn’t listen. This is what the casual observer would refer to as a “whoopsie.”
So the police get it in their head that Raffaele and Amanda are behind everything and they don’t have a real good reason, so, sex murder. They interrogate Raffaele who I swear to God looks and is dressed exactly like Velma from Scooby Doo and he folds like…I dunno, like, a folding chair, I guess?
Next up for hours of interrogation is Amanda. Despite being some kind of language savant, she is a-maybe a-not so a-good with the eye-talian. The interrogators also laughably/awesomely ask Amanda to “use her imagination” when it comes to explaining what “might” have happened that night. She pins it on her boss at a local restaurant.
Of course the boss has an airtight alibi so Amanda Knox and Raffaele are arrested for real this time. The cops tell Amanda that she has HIV and ask for a list of all the men she’s slept with. That list gets leakes and now Amanda Knox isn’t just a murderer, she is a slut. (She also shoves the doctor who tells her it was a false positive. Bet that’s the first and last time he gets attacked for telling someone they didn’t have the bug.)
So she goes on trial with Raffy and some African dude. Amanda’s motive was that she hated Meredith for
1. Telling Amanda to clean up after herself in a shared bathroom
2. Impressing Amanda’s boss by making a really good mojito.
So obviously Meredith was the real villain here. Mojitos are gross.
Amanda’s mom travels to Italy and cried a lot and everyone is convicted and whatever.
If you’ve read this far wondering if Lifetime made Amanda Knox to be a criminal or not, the answer is sadly inconclusive. Lifetime takes no stand here. We know that men are suspicious and male authority figures are especially nefarious, but everything else is up in the air. Someone call Tracy Morgan and Bruce Willis, this movie is a Cop Out.
AWESOMENESS: 9 (out of 20)
I’ve long complained of Lifetime’s habit of taking Freytag’s Pyramid and turning the falling action into a 75 minute battle of attrition. This movie is one of the worst offenders. As soon as the authorities determine Knox is a suspect, nothing happens until she is finally convicted. It is brutal. But everything else about it is competent, so yay for low standards.
HEY! IT’S THAT GUY!: 6
Is Hayden Panettiere really that famous? Think about it. She was on a show that had one strong season ratings-wise and then sank like a rock because it was a waste of everyone’s time. I know who she is and was surprised that she sank this low, but I don’t think she’s anything above B-list.
As for Amanda Knox’s mom, Marcia Gay Harden, props for being in the all time classic She’s Too Young. And I suppose props for winning an Oscar. Although I bet if you asked 100 people on the street what movie she won an Oscar for, you’d get an equal number of responses for “I don’t know” and “Who’s Marcia Gay Harden?” Don’t get me wrong, I love Mystic River. But when you’re most famous for a role where you’re the fifth listed cast member, that don’t make you too famous either.
A little girl lost in a culture she doesn’t understand sleeps with the wrong guy and ends up becoming either a sex-crazed homicidal sociopath OR a little girl lost being framed for murder (by men) with a corrupt judicial system (run by men) so happy to see her go down. I mean, JESUS CHRIST! Even if this weren’t based on a true story this would have been on Lifetime eventually.
GRAND TOTAL: 25
Have you noticed that I give way lower scores than my colleagues? Why am I such a grouch? I think I’m harder on the HEY! IT’S THAT GUY! category. So this review follows type. An Oscar winner and an up-and-coming starlet and SIX! NOT GOOD ENOUGH!
I’d feel a lot worse about it if the movie weren’t such a piece of shit.