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Devil’s Pond July 18, 2011

Posted by Rusty in Uncategorized.
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I often wonder about the dynamics of the man-hating Lifetime movie. Lifetime movies rarely hate men wholesale. They hate husbands, boyfriends, anyone who the female protagonist allows to get close to them. It’s trust and intimacy that are threatening, not men. It’s sort of depressing. Who are these movies made for?

So, Devil’s Pond! A man and a woman get married and honeymoon in an isolated cabin. How do you think this goes for the wifey?

Tara Reid Gets Second Billing? Ouch.

The film opens with a wedding. Mitch (Kip Pardue) and Julianne (the rotten Tara Reid) are tying the knot and based on Mitch’s speech, they kind of rushed to the altar. They’ve known each other for less than a year but they are wildly in love and love can not wait! Julianne’s family comes from money and they are unhappy that the honeymoon is taking place in the middle of the woods in the middle of nowhere instead of at some resort. But Mitch is a country boy and Julianne is a rebel, so into the woods we go!

They drive Mitch’s shitty pick-up truck to this cabin, and not only is the cabin in the middle of nowhere, it’s on a fucking island. And Julianne is afraid of water.

Afraid of being IN water, not ON water. Because that is how irrational fears work.

So they paddle over to the cabin and they fuck a lot. Mitch carves and whittles, Julianne paints. It’s all very sweet. But Mitch starts doing some psycho stuff like hiding Julianne’s birth control and keeping his truck’s keys locked in a chest where Julianne can’t get them. And he is always falling asleep after sex! That’s cuddle time, not sleepy time, silly.

In these happy times, Julianne cuddles up to Mitch by the campfire and asks to hear a ghost story. Mitch asks if Julianne has ever heard the one about the serial killer tormenting the married couple. But Julianne doesn’t want to hear that one. She wants to hear a story about a damsel in distress.

1. If you want to hear a fairy tale, ask for a fucking fairy tale. Don’t be all skeeved out when your husband offers to provide exactly what you asked for.

2. I swear to Christ, Tara Reid mispronounced “damsel.” She put the emphasis on the second syllable. Dam-SEL. Tara Reid is the worst.

After ten days of suspicious bliss, Julianne is getting antsy. She hasn’t been off the island and her cell phone isn’t getting any service. She wants out. Mitch freaks. This was supposed to be a two week vacation, not ten days. And Mitch didn’t marry a quitter.

By the way, Mitch is right. How would you feel if someone cut your planned vacation short by four days because they suddenly got bored. Wouldn’t you flip? Or keep that hypothetical person hostage on an island?

Also, it turns out that Mitch and Julianne’s meet-cute was elaborately staged by the former. He had been stalking her. Julianne is kind of pissed off about it. I think. Tara Reid’s pissed voice and her “sexy” voice are the same thing. Although to her credit, that might be on purpose. Even though Mitch has escalated to physical violence, Julienne still envelopes him. Mitch immediately falls asleep. That’s ladies for you, always using sex to get what they want. Amiright, fellas?

Julianne makes a run for it and OF COURSE the truck won’t start. In the background, a flashlight flickers. Mitch is coming. She threatens him with a rifle but she is too tweaked out on estrogen to fire a shot. Mitch beats her unconscious. When she comes to, she finds herself back on the island and chained to an anchor.

Haha, what a great metaphor for Tara Reid’s career.

Mitch takes to destroying all of the rafts and life jackets and what not. (He also non-sensically and conspicuously throws an axe into the lake.) He’s a strong swimmer so this ain’t no thang. But Julienne is apparently so afraid of the water that she will risk uxoricide rather than get wet. To be fair, I would rather die than swim through an ocean of spiders. But I also wouldn’t get on a raft on top of spiders.

Tara Reid’s default expression is open-mouthed confusion, so it is totally unbelievable to watch her devise and then carry out a plan. Well, it’s a little believable when you realize the plan makes no sense. First, she sets all of the matches on fire. Mitch freaks once he realizes no matches mean no cigarettes. He takes off swimming giving Julienne a little bit of time (an hour?) to hatch her brilliant plan. First she fishes the axe out of the lake and chops the anchor chain. Now, that means that there is still a heavy chain around her ankle, it’s just not attached to anything. So shouldn’t paddling be kind of hard with 20 pounds of metal on your ankle? Right?

Julianne gets to the shore and starts digging around for the bear trap that Mitch hid in the woods. She finds it (along with Mitch’s father’s grave…this is barely commented on), digs it up, and paddles back to the island with a motherfucking 25 pound bear trap and a giant-ass chain. WHATEVER.

When she gets back she hides the bear trap and somehow rechains herself to the anchor? Or something? How does one pretend that they are still chained to an anchor when that chain is broken? Did she tie the chain into a knot?

Also, how did she do this in the time it took Mitch to swim to the shore, realize the truck was broken, and swim back?

Out of the scores of Lifetime movies I have watched, this is the one that makes the least amount of sense. Take a bow, Devil’s Pond.

Mitch is back on the island and because Julianne is a moron he notices water everywhere. Then he notices the raft that she didn’t bother to hide. Julianne runs to the area around the bear trap and tries to goad him into stepping on it. That works, but only after Mitch SLASHES HER FACE WITH A KNIFE. What the fuck, Lifetime?

So Mitch’s leg is all mangled and he gets knocked out with a log. But he still has enough power to drag Julianne around by her chain. So she shoots him in the chest. So now a concussion, a compound fracture, and a gaping wound…so OF COURSE he can still tell Julianne how much he loves her. She takes his key, unlocks the chain that she magically welded back together, and chains him to the anchor. She overcomes her fear of water and swims towards shore. She hears a gunshot and it is assumed that Mitch has killed himself. Julianne throws away her wedding ring and walks towards town.

AWESOMENESS: 12

I don’t even know where to start. Tara Reid is the worst actress ever. Nothing made sense. It was gratuitously violent.

I would watch it again.

HEY! IT’S THAT GUY!: 6

I know this is clear, but I hate Tara Reid. And I love stuff she’s been in! American Pie* and Cruel Intentions are fantastic! And she should get credit for being cast in a Coen Brothers movie.

(It helps that American Pie came out when I was 17. And although I wasn’t on a quest to lose my virginity by prom night, I was on a quest to smooch a girl by graduation. Unlike Jason Biggs, I failed. Sad emoticon.)

(I am tempting H$’s wrath here, but The Big Lebowski is not that good. It could be good if they took out all of John Goodman, Julianne Moore, and Flea. Kind of sad that there’s a Tara Reid movie with a lot of problems and Tara Reid is not one of them.)

(Another off-topic question that I posited to H$’s boyfriend: How many people have masturbated to the site of (not really) Tara Reid’s dismembered toe in that movie? At least a dozen?)

Fetish-wise, worst toe to lose. A middle toe needs to be missing, if you know what I'm saying. (I'm saying you can stick a dick in there.)

Tara Reid also played a lesbian rock star in the only movie ever to be granted a perfect score by Lifetime, Wow!: Girl.

Mitch was played by Kip Pardue. I don’t know what a Kip Pardue is.

LIFETIMENESS: 7

There is a startling lack of women’s intuition here and for a Lifetime movie it’s shockingly violent. A woman’s face gets slashed Tina Fey style. Icky.

That being said, it’s a good (albeit shockingly stupid) woman versus an evil man. And then you add in all those trust and intimacy issues that I wrote about earlier, and you’ve got yourself a movie that could only be on Lifetime. Seriously. The movie may not have been made for the Lifetime Movie Network, but it was made for the Lifetime Movie Network, if you catch my drift.

GRAND TOTAL: 25

A surprisingly high score for a real piece of schlock. This movie starts slow before rapidly accelerating into Crazy Town. Recommended.

Like Tori Spelling's cleavage, I will never get tired of posting this picture`

Comments»

1. Lifetime Movies - July 18, 2011

An excellent review. You should be commended for actually making it through the whole movie in order to write about it.

And I think whomever transfered their VHS copy of Josie Bissett getting her toes sucked in “Deadly Vows” to YouTube has probably jerked off to that missing toe quite a few times.

Now I need to see “Girl”!

2. H$ - July 18, 2011

I was with you until you said that The Big Lebowski would be better without Walter Sobchak. This aggression will not stand, man.

(full disclosure- Lebowskifest achiever rollin’ over here)

Regardless of your incredible ability to be wrong about really fucking awesome movies, solid review. “Tara Reid’s default expression is open-mouthed confusion, so it is totally unbelievable to watch her devise and then carry out a plan.” I actually laughed out loud. Well done.

3. Katie - July 19, 2011

Hey, you taught me a new word! If only I could word “uxoricide” into everyday conversation, but I fear people would start to get suspicious.

This makes me partly want to watch this movie and partly happy that I don’t have to. She swims across to get a BEAR TRAP, then swims back across with it? And his father’s grave? What?

God, I love Lifetime. Even if I wasn’t a woman, it would be television for me.

4. hrh king friday xiii, ret. - July 19, 2011

Can’t… stop… laughing….

5. yadira pace - February 10, 2012

where is the cabin located?

6. Tt - April 26, 2013

“That’s ladies for you, always using sex to get what they want. Amiright, fellas?”

Good one, Rusty. You know you love it though, don’t pretend. 😉

I know I’m late but this review is awesome! I just watched this movie this morning, after reading this last night. Probably should have read this afterward because I couldn’t stop laughing during the film.


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