Everybody’s Doing It April 27, 2011Posted by Kate in 20-24.
Tags: abstinence, armpit sex, box lunch, everybody's doing it, library sex, lizzy caplan, sex
If you like being angry at your government and your television at the same time, you should totally watch Everybody’s Doing It. Like all reasonable people, I love Lizzy Caplan and hate abstinence-only sex “education,” but cute girls and left wing ideals can’t save this didactic mess.
The movie starts by showing Angela (Lizzy Caplan) and Travis (some dude) falling in love throughout their sophomore year, then cuts to them loud slurpy kissing in a car after the spring semiformal. Angela unbuckles Travis’ belt, then decides she’s not ready to have sex and breaks up with him. Angela leaves to go build houses with Habitat for Humanity for the summer, but she and Travis decide to have sex if they still want to in September. The summer apart will prove that their love is real or something; I don’t know, teenagers are the worst.
Angela comes back to school ready to bone Travis, but she can’t because there’s a big assembly about how premarital sex is bad and the library’s been torn down and Caroline, the poor man’s Tracy Flick and the president of the school’s abstinence club, is pressuring everyone to sign virginity pledge cards.
The importance of remaining chaste until marriage is demonstrated with some kind of pizza metaphor.
There’s even a bunch of dancing STDs.
Angela is the only student who thinks this whole thing is ridiculous, and Travis gets totally pissed that she seems to know more about sex than the health teacher. He signs a pledge card without talking to Angela first.
Oh, and it gets worse: there’s a huge whiteboard with the names of all the students who signed a virginity pledge.
Students who break the pledge get their names crossed off.
You’re probably wondering how the school evens finds out who’s been screwing. Well, there’s a scholarship reserved for any students whose names are still on the board at graduation. The fewer students left over, the more money the virgins get. Students are encouraged to spy on one another, and to tell the school whenever somebody has sex.
Angela freaks out when she sees her name on the list, since she was outspoken in her refusal to sign the virginity pledge. She asks the librarian to remove her name from the board, but the librarian refuses to unless Angela admits to losing her virginity. Angela continues to insist that her sex life is none of the school’s business, and storms out. It’s never explained why the empty library needs a librarian. I guess she’s just there to watch teenagers have sex up against the bookless shelves.
Travis becomes super suspicious of any boy that Angela talks to, including her gay best friend and some dude she met through Habitat for Humanity. Poor Angela. She tries to talk to her sister, but her sister’s busy.
Angela continues to be the lone voice of reason in the school as the teachers allow Caroline to create a weird sex court in the library where she bangs a gavel and yells at students for hooking up, then crosses their name off the board while muttering “slut” under her breath. At one point, she draws a line through an entire column, which makes me think that we were cheated out of an orgy scene.
Finally, some other students grow a spine when they realize that oral and anal sex will get them crossed off the list. As confused and horny teenagers bombard Caroline with questions about what exactly they are allowed to do (someone actually uses the phrase “box lunch” in this scene), she yells that no penetration is allowed, not through “the front door, back door, or side door!” I’m confused about the side door thing. Rusty thinks it’s a reference to armpit sex.
Even more confusing than the concept of “side door” is the way Caroline, a crazy bitch with a display rack of eyeglasses in her locker, is allowed to spend the entire school day playing sex police. Everyone at Bonerkiller High must also be abstaining from going to class.
Angela must face Caroline in sex court, where she is accused of sleeping with the guy she met at Habitat for Humanity over the summer. Once again, she insists that her sex life is none of the school’s business, but Travis is pissed that she doesn’t deny it. Angela realizes that Travis must be the one who accused her. When she confronts him, he admits to signing her pledge card, too. Angela has no choice but to take off the promise ring he gave her and leave it in his locker. I guess they’re abstaining from locks at the school, too.
After a rash of students come down with sex rashes, the school reconsiders the effectiveness of the abstinence program. Caroline comes up with some bizarre idea that forces all students to sign up for the virginity pledge again. If all students sign it, they all get the scholarship money, but if less than 100 percent of students sign, nobody gets the money.
Because this movie is such an accurate portrayal of teenage behavior, everyone but Angela signs the pledge again. A meeting is called so that parents, teachers, and students can slutshame Angela into signing, but she tearily holds her ground. Just when you think that she’s going to get beaten to death by the angry, sex-starved mob, Travis walks to the front of the room and crosses his name off the pledge board. A bunch of other kids do the same thing.
Inspired by Angela’s speech and her peers’ support, the school decides to have two separate health classes: a comprehensive one, and an abstinence only one. Victory! Sort of.
Angela gets back with her possessive, controlling boyfriend, and they decide not to have sex. The end.
I’ll give this movie a point for saying “box lunch,” but this movie was billed as a comedy yet was rarely funny, intentionally or otherwise. It wasn’t bad enough to be so-bad-it’s-good, but it certainly wasn’t good, either.
HEY! IT’S THAT GUY!: 10
I love Lizzy Caplan, and she did about as good a job with this shitty movie as anyone could possibly hope.
I’m torn on this one. On the one hand, you’ve got moral panic and a woman who stands up for what she believes. On the other hand, you have a protagonist who ends up back together with her lame boyfriend.
GRAND TOTAL: 21
For a movie that tries so hard to teach a lesson, Everybody’s Doing It is shockingly bad at making its message clear. The moral of the story seems to be, “abstinence only sex ed is bad, sort of, but I guess it’s not that bad, and teenagers should have sex or not have sex or whatever and girls with glasses are nuts.”
A Date with Darkness: The Trial and Capture of Andrew Luster February 6, 2011Posted by Kate in 25-29, Kate Sullivan-Jones.
Tags: andrew luster, dog the bounty hunter, ghb
I don’t even know where to begin. I watched this a week ago, and last night was my birthday party. I am wearing a bathrobe, and it is two in the afternoon.
A Date with Darkness is based on the true story of Andrew Luster, the Max Factor heir who drugged and raped a whole bunch of people. Oh, and he videotaped himself doing it.
This movie starts right in with Luster cooking up some homemade drugs.
Then we meet our young protagonist, Connie (Marla Sokoloff), as she goes out to celebrate making the Dean’s list. She takes along her dear friend Daniel, and promises him that she’ll help him pick up chicks. She fails to get Daniel laid, but they are having a good time dancing around like total goons.
Meanwhile, Andrew Luster stands in the middle of the dance floor and dumps the contents of an apothecary vial (which is labeled with the word KNOCKOUT) into a glass of water.
Connie is all thirsty from dancing, so she eagerly gulps down half of the water that Luster offers her, then hands the cup to Daniel. Five seconds later, the friends are all sorts of fucked up, so Luster pours them into his car and drives to his beach house. This part is shot in a weird, jumpy, flashbacky way that I assume is meant to convey how the victims feel after being drugged. In a scene that makes you wonder whether the people responsible for this movie have ever had sex or been inside a car, Connie and Daniel have sex in the backseat. I seriously had to rewind it to be totally sure that it was supposed to be sex. This screenshot isn’t even from that scene, it’s from a flashback later in the movie, because when the backseat sex is shown for the first time, Connie and Daniel are never in the same shot. How big is the backseat of this car?
At the beach house, Connie peels off her clothes and jumps into the ocean while Luster cackles and Daniel acts concerned. Because the Pacific ocean is ice cold and horrible on a balmy summer night, Luster fishes Connie out and puts her in a warm shower. Then he rapes her. Cut to Connie and Daniel on the couch drinking bright green drinks. Cut back to shower rape. Cut to Connie crying a single tear as Luster tells her he put “liquid X” in her drink.
Cut to the next morning, when Connie wakes up with perfect makeup even though she spent the entire night swimming and getting raped in the shower.
After refusing Luster’s offer to make them a “world class omelet,” Connie and Daniel call a cab. Daniel’s watch is missing, so they leave their phone numbers with the rapist in case he finds the watch that he obviously stole. Daniel and Connie have an awkward conversation about the backseat sex (complete with flashbacks), and then Connie calls the cops.
Here’s where the movie turns into a lesson on what not to do when you’ve committed a whole buttload of crimes.
- Don’t videotape your crimes, then attach Polaroids of your crimes to the cassette cases.
- Don’t label the tapes with the names of your victims and the illegal drug you tricked them into ingesting.
- Don’t label bottles of said illegal drug with weirdo descriptions. Why do they even need to be labeled? What could you possibly confuse them with? Before he started labeling the bottles, did Luster ever accidentally use GHB instead of shampoo?
- Don’t have a drawer in the kitchen filled with stolen watches. What if somebody tries to look for the silverware drawer? How do you explain a drawer full of watches? Can’t you keep them in your closet, or, I don’t know, pretty much ANYWHERE ELSE IN THE HOUSE?
The cops find two of the women that Luster videotaped himself raping, Sarah and Teri. First, they bring in Teri, who is pregnant with twins. Without so much as a trigger warning, they show her the tape of her own rape.
Is it just me, or does that male detective look like he’s enjoying this?
After they’re done traumatizing Teri, they bring in Sarah, a happy-go-lucky teen.
Sarah’s video is extra creepy, because Luster stands over her unconscious body and brags about how awesome it is that he gets to drug and rape a teenager. He says it’s better than Thanksgiving and Christmas. BETTER THAN THANKSGIVING AND CHRISTMAS. The man is a monster.
Now there’s a boring trial part mixed with scenes of how the stress of the trial is affecting the three women. Teri miscarries one of her twins. Sarah starts popping benzos like crazy. Connie yells at a woman who leaves her drink unattended.
Oh yeah, and Andrew Luster escapes to Mexico and goes surfing. It’s okay, though, because the judge is all, “Fuck this trust fund douchebag, I’m trying him in absentia!” Luster’s meticulously labeled rape tapes lead to his conviction, but will he ever pay for his crimes? It seems unlikely.
Cut to Luster being tackled on the beach by a tough looking dude with long blond hair.
Wait, is that a camera crew behind them? Why is there a camera crew?
Is that DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER?
Yeah, I guess it is. How bout that.
This movie ends with fucking Dog the bounty hunter tackling a smug millionaire surfer/rapist. Oh, and the scene is so poorly constructed that instead of watching it and thinking, “Oh yeah, Dog the bounty hunter is arresting this guy as part of his reality show,” the viewer is left screaming at her screen, “Who is that guy with the camcorder? Why does that police officer look like a member of a biker gang? Is this an episode of Dog the bounty hunter? SOMEBODY GOOGLE THIS!” I also loved how the detectives surprised rape victims with videos of their own rapes before telling them they were raped. In a room with the blinds open. With like three other people watching. I seriously hope that those scenes exist because the folks who made this movie are idiots, and not because the real Luster’s victims were treated that way.
HEY! IT’S THAT GUY!: 3
I don’t know how famous Marla Sokoloff is, but she sure is cute. My friend recognized her from Full House. This movie had an obvious chance to score a ten in this category, but they failed to cast the real Dog the bounty hunter. How many times have I typed “Dog the bounty hunter”? I feel weird just typing “Dog.”
I feel like most of the “Lifetimey” parts of this movie were too close to the truth to count toward this score. Andrew Luster really was an evil man who drugged and raped women, and it’s hard to laugh at the cheesiness of the movie villain when the real guy was just as awful. Plus, there was a serious dearth of woman’s intuition.
That said, a good Lifetime movie will leave you screaming “WHAT THE FUCK???” at the screen, and boy, this one sure did.
GRAND TOTAL: 28
I would watch this again just for the ending.
Defending Our Kids: The Julie Posey Story January 19, 2011Posted by Kate in 30-36, cyber seduction, Kate Sullivan-Jones.
Tags: annie potts, defending our kids: the julie posey story, internet creeps, julie posey, lifetime, lifetime movies, montel williams, pedophiles
When I was 12, my parents bought a Mac Performa with a 14.4 modem. That summer, my friends and I would anxiously wait as that computer noisily attempted to connect to America Online, so that we could go into chat rooms and tell lies. In the “Married but Looking” room, we convinced a man to meet us at the food court in the mall in Denver, Colorado. “You’ll know who I am,” I typed from my living room on Cape Cod, “I’ll be the one with the long black hair and the tight leather minidress.” “I’m twelve, and I’m in college, and I’m looking for a man,” my friends and I gigglingly announced in another chat room, only to end up feeling guilty when we were instant messaged by an adult expressing concern for the promiscuous prepubescent genius.
As far as Lifetime is concerned, my experience was unusual. Chat rooms are actually filled with pedophiles waiting to kidnap and molest innocent children. Thank God for Julie Posey.
Defending Our Kids is only part of the Julie Posey story. In the movie, Annie Potts plays a suburban mom who pretends to be a young girl online to help cops track down internet pedophiles. The real Julie Posey did this, too, but she also went on the Montel Williams show, where she was reunited with the son she gave up for adoption when she was in high school. If you watch the video, you’ll learn that her son was conceived when Julie was being sexually abused. If you Google Julie Posey, you’ll find that she wrote a book with her son about how they were brought together by MySpace and Montel. You’ll also find this distressing page, which suggests that her daughter Kristyn disappeared with her baby. In short, poor Ms. Posey has led the most Lifetimey life possible.
The movie version starts with Julie and her husband celebrating with Kristyn on her thirteenth birthday. Kristyn brattily rejects the clothes her mother gives her, but swoons over the new laptop her father has set up in her pretty pink bedroom. Almost instantly, Kristyn has arranged a meeting with a guy who calls himself “MAGICMAN.” Julie gets there just in time to drag her daughter away from the middle-aged creep, but when she tries to report the scumbag to the police, they tell her no crime has been committed. Julie and two detectives, who I’ll call Benson and Stabler, decide to set up an internet sting: Julie will pretend to be “Candy,” a young teen looking for older male company in chat rooms. She’ll agree to meet the pedophile, then the cops will arrest him. She even gets help from her daughter! “Don’t put ‘reading’ as an interest in your profile,” sneers Kristyn, “put ‘chillin’ instead.” Clearly, the screenwriter did not have a helpful teenage daughter.
Julie’s husband is concerned that this is a bad idea, but what does he know? He’s just a man. Feminism, according to Lifetime, means never having to listen to your stupid husband.
Because everyone in this movie is an idiot, Detective Benson dresses up as a middle schooler to meet the perverts in real life. I mean, I understand that they can’t use an actual child, but couldn’t they find a young-looking college student instead of an obvious cop?
Oh, also the detectives are dating each other. Oh, and Julie is hiding the fact that she was sexually abused as a child. What could go wrong?
Well, Julie could imagine that the pedophile that fake teenager Benson is meeting at a diner has a gun, then freak out and blow the bust. Ladycop Benson understands that it was a mistake, but mean mean Mancop Stabler refuses to work with her anymore. Julie’s husband is relieved that she’s back in the kitchen where she belongs.
For like five seconds. Then, Julie gets served and has to go to court and tell everyone that she was abused, which makes her look like a vengeful nutbag. This throws doubt on the internet evidence that she has worked so hard to collect, and though it is eventually ruled admissible, Stabler reiterates that she can no longer work with the police.
Julie becomes a real estate agent and has nightmares about her daughter talking to creeps online. She also has flashbacks of her own abuse. Her husband sees how sad she is, and suggests that she return to the only thing that makes her truly happy: having cybersex with old men while pretending to be fourteen.
She returns to Benson and Stabler with the new evidence she has collected, and begs the detectives to let her work with them again. Without consulting anyone else at the police department, they take her back. Julie then busts a shit ton of pervs, and becomes closer to her formerly surly daughter.
One night, she’s in her favorite chatroom, and she sees MAGICMAN, the creep who tried to bone her daughter! He messages her, but just as she’s about to set up a meeting, the feds storm in and take her laptop. This is the only part of the movie where Julie successfully acts like a teenager. “Just fifteen more minutes!” she wails as they pry the computer out of her hands.
Julie runs to the detectives again, but there’s a problem: Benson and Stabler got married, and Benson got so excited that her ankle broke! How can they bust this monster if their fake teenager is on crutches? No teenager has ever been on crutches! It’ll blow their cover. Obviously, the only solution is for Julie to dress up in her daughter’s clothes and meet the pedophile herself. The detectives put a wire on her so that they can listen to her conversation and arrest Magic Man before he gets too handsy.
According to this movie, cops can just do whatever the fuck they want, without ever filling out paperwork or consulting higher-ups. Unfortunately, their state-of-the-art spying-on-pedophiles technology has one flaw: the wire falls off and breaks if the wearer is slightly bumped by a kid on a skateboard (who is hilariously referred to by Julie as “some guy on wheels”).
Not realizing that the detectives can no longer hear her, Julie follows Magic Man to a super creepy, deserted playground. He gets too close, and Julie starts having flashbacks again. She screams for help, and finally, after a terrifying fifteen seconds, the police rush in to arrest the molester and save Julie.
“You’re a cop?” the shocked pervert asks.
“I’m just a housewife,” replies a smug Julie.
I liked how fast-paced this movie was, and there were some funny moments (like when Kristyn’s poem about a huge zit is read aloud to her entire class by her total cunt of an English teacher). Still, the movie wasn’t good enough to be enjoyable as a real movie, and it wasn’t bad enough to leave me screaming “what the FUCK?” at my computer screen like other Lifetime movies have.
HEY! IT’S THAT GUY!: 10
Where do I begin? This movie has multiple bad guys, all of whom prey on young girls. The heroine is a housewife who has no skills other than her natural woman’s intuition, yet she still saves the day. The husband doubts his wife, and he is wrong. The teenage daughter thinks her mom is lame, and she is also wrong. The cops get married, fer crissakes. The movie even ends with misleading statistics that will scare you into locking up your daughter and smashing up your computer.
GRAND TOTAL: 30
I hope everything is OK with the Posey family now. That said, I kinda wonder if there’s gonna be a sequel.
>We’re Moving January 14, 2011Posted by Kate in admin.
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>Suspense! January 13, 2011Posted by Kate in admin.
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The House Next Door: House with an E October 21, 2010Posted by Kate in 30-36, the house next door.
Rusty already wrote about this movie, but he said I could write about it again after I begged him to let me not have watched this in vain. Holy crap. From Hulu’s description of this movie, I was expecting campy horror and lots of ill-advised scenes of Lara Flynn Boyle trying to kiss Zack from Saved by the Bell with her malformed mouth. I got what I anticipated, but I also got super depressing scenes of a mother grieving for her dead son and eventually hanging herself while her husband is upstairs playing tonsil hockey with the neighbor lady.
I’m getting ahead of myself (and I just wanted to use the phrase “tonsil hockey”). The movie starts with Lara Flynn Boyle’s weirdly elderly-sounding voiceover announcing that the house next door is evil or something. Honestly, I couldn’t focus on what she was saying, because her narration was done as if she was doing an impression of herself as a 90 year old. “Maybe it’s like Titanic,” said my boyfriend, before he left the room in disgust.
Anyway, Cole (whose name is later revealed to be either Col or Kohl, in truly the only shocking twist the movie has to offer) and Walker Kennedy are super bummed that someone is building a house next door to them, but they are friendly and go to meet the architect anyway. The architect, who is named Kim because everyone in this movie has a ridiculous name, is excited to finally be building a house. His last project fell through when his client had a stroke, he casually mentions.. Cole/Col/Kohl lets him shower in her house because the water is turned off next door, which leads her husband to make some lame joke about how she totally wants to bone Kim/Zack Morris.
After the extremely ugly house is built, Col goes over to hang out with her new neighbor, Pie, who is expecting her first child with her adoring husband. Pie shows off the new puppy her sweet husband bought her, because housebreaking a puppy is exactly what you want to be doing when you have a newborn. From the second the puppy comes out of his carrier, you know he’s going to die, but it’s surprising how fast it happens. I felt like thirty seconds elapsed between meeting the puppy and seeing it with its face torn off.
Pie and her husband then have a housewarming party, which ends with Walker accusing Col of getting too cozy with the architect and Pie’s loving husband pushing her down the stairs. Pie miscarries, then moves away from the creepy house. Her husband is in jail or something.
Here’s part of the house, by the way. It’s got like seven garages.
About three days later, an adorable middle-aged couple moves in.Col goes over to welcome them, and the lady mentions they have a son named Toby in Iraq. Watching this part, I was thinking, “oh, he’s going to die, just like the puppy.”
I wish that’s what had happened. Instead, at the housewarming party, Toby’s mom, Anita, opens the front door to see her son standing there in his uniform. “Toby’s home!” she shouts with joy.
“Honey,” her husband says, “Toby’s dead, remember?”
Anita screams, and the vision of Toby transforms into the pizza delivery guy, who is taking this way better than you’d expect. It’s a huge bummer.
Shit gets way more devastating when a new TV is delivered, and the only channel that comes in is just video of Toby screaming for help and then dying. Anita just sits in front of the TV and drinks all day in her bathrobe. She doesn’t even open the door to get the mail, so of course Col has to barge in to her living room. It’s the neighborly thing to do.
Col can’t get Anita to stop crying and drinking, so instead of getting help for her, she decides to snoop around upstairs, where she immediately sees her neighbor Virginia sadly ripping the clothes off Anita’s husband.
Oh, did I mention that five minutes earlier, it was loudly pointed out that Virginia has only ever slept with her husband? Virginia cries and looks horrified as Anita’s husband sucks on her neck, and Col stands there and watches for a little bit.
Then they all go downstairs to see that Anita has hanged herself. Virginia threatens to kill Col if she tells anyone about her tearstained affair.
Col tells her husband that she thinks the house is evil, and he tells her she’s just being stereotypically female and Irish(!). Obviously, this means it’s time for Col and Walker to go on a little vacation at their beach house. Oh, and they bring their cat, because cats love to travel.
Walker mentions how happy he is that Col is painting again. Oh, I guess she’s supposed to be an artist who just does interior decorating to pay the bills, but I forgot for most of the movie because she spends most of her time spying on the neighbors.
Of course, when Walker looks at his wife’s painting, he sees that it is just a lousy depiction of the creepy house next door.
When they go back home, Col and Walker are accosted by their redheaded neighbor, who is pissed that they left without telling her. She says she hasn’t heard from Virginia or her husband, and that nobody knows where they went. When Col won’t tell her what happened to Virginia, she flips out and storms off. This whole fight could have been resolved by Col saying that she didn’t know where Virginia went, or that Virginia told her something in confidence, but instead these two are enemies for the rest of the movie. This does nothing to further the plot, and is even more unrealistic than the concept of an evil house.
Kim the architect comes back, and he and Col share a bottle of wine as he tells her a charming story about a photographer blinded by an exploding light. Col tells him that she thinks the house is evil, so Kim reveals that he knows the security codes and they go in to search for the source of the evil or whatever. The evil house makes them super hot for each other.
Walker comes home, see the two wine glasses, and naturally assumes that his wife is over at the house next door. When he sees his wife on top of Kim, he grabs a knife from the kitchen, kicks the architect in the head, and attacks Col. It is insane that Col and Walker fight and she survives. Seriously, you can’t cast Lara Flynn Boyle if you want a realistic fight scene. A strong breeze could knock that chick over. Once outside, the couple realize that all of that infidelity and attempted murder was caused by the house, and Walker finally believes Col. The viewer is left to assume that Kim decides against pressing charges when he regains consciousness.
A preppy couple with a young daughter move into the house next, and while Walker just wants to move away, Col insists on trying to help. She helps by arranging a meeting with the other neighbors so that they can laugh at her when she tells them the house is evil, and by bringing over banana nut bread. It is during the banana nut bread scene that we catch a glimpse of the worst outfit possible.
Here’s another picture, so you can fully understand the awfulness of this ensemble.
Col and Walker invite the new new neighbors over, and Norman, the father of the little girl, turns out to be a total douche. He keeps referring to himself as Norman-Greene-Greene-with-an-E, and he won’t let his daughter leave the table to go throw up. This is a stupid decision, since she just ends up puking on the patio. Rusty mentions in his review that little Belinda pees herself later on, but it was this scene that made me laugh out loud.
I am including this picture because I want to note that Rusty dressed exactly like Norman Greene with an E in high school.
Later that night, Norman berates his wife, Suzannah, for messing up the invitations for their housewarming party, then tells her it’s too late to fix them, and orders her to mail them. She opens a drawer in the kitchen to get stamps.
What, are you surprised that there’s a gun in that drawer? The drawer where she keeps her stamps? The unlocked kitchen drawer, easily accessible to her young daughter? I’m mostly surprised that she has more than one book of stamps in there. These people are crazy rich.
After the party, where Norman insults Suzannah and their neighbors and shouts his own name a few times and Belinda pees on the floor, he gets out his kitchen gun and attempts to teach his wife how to put things in the fridge. Belinda is freaked out and runs next door into the arms of Col. Walker heads out to talk to her parents, but it’s too late: Suzannah has grabbed the gun and shot her husband and herself.
As soon as the blood has been mopped up, architect Kim and his new girlfriend move in. Col tells Kim that it’s him that’s evil, not the house, but he just puts on his sunglasses and goes inside.
So, Col and Walker decide to blow the house up. They go inside and turn on the gas, but then Col is haunted by disturbing visions of herself with Kim. The best is when vision-Kim stops kissing vision-Col just long enough to look at real Col with an expression of hilarious evil.
Real Col and real Kim start kissing, and I’m not sure if Col is kissing him to try to distract him or if the house is making her crazy horny again, but it all works out for the best: Walker comes in, shoots at Kim, and the house blows up.
Cut to Col and Walker on the beach with their new adopted daughter, Belinda, talking about how they murdered Kim. What a happy ending!
Oops, except for the last scene: a couple looking to build a house are shown the plans for the evil house! And they love it! “It’s magical,” the woman says to her husband, “It’s like it’s alive.” Nobody would ever talk about a house like that, especially this blocky monstrosity, but hey, at least the movie’s over.
This movie would have been hilarious and awesomely campy if not for the Anita-and-her-dead-son part. I felt like that was a total bummer. It was not bad enough to be funny, so it was just depressing.
The rest of the movie was better, and I loved how super-obvious the foreshadowing was, and Norman Greene with an E was AMAZING.
HEY! IT’S THAT GUY!: 10
I only watched this because Lara Flynn Boyle was in it, and I spent the next morning in the bathroom mirror trying to move my lips the way she does, and I totally can’t. And I have big lips! How does she do that? I hate everything about her, including but not limited to her politics and the two sets of earrings she alternated wearing throughout the movie and the weird freckles that start halfway down her chest. I know that it makes me a horrible person to judge her based on her looks, and I tell myself that really I just hate her because she’s a Republican, but I know deep down inside that it’s her stupid floppy mouth that makes me hate her.
Also, Zack Morris and the guy from Eureka.
Walker was way too supportive and reasonable for a dude in a Lifetime movie, but ten points just for Norman Greene with an E, plus there was also women’s intuition, men not believing women’s intuition, mentions of an ancient Irish curse, and catty remarks about fertility. Oh! And when Anita’s husband cheats, Walker says that’s “just what men do.”
GRAND TOTAL: 33
This movie is worth it just for everything that happens after the last family moves in.
The Party Never Stops: Diary of a Binge Drinker September 20, 2010Posted by Kate in acoustic guitar douchebags, binge drinking, drinking, drunk sluts, floozies, nancy travis, skanky little ho.
If you get drunk in college, you will become a huge slut and/or die. That’s what I learned from The Party Never Stops.
The movie starts with our all-American heroine, the blonde-haired, blue-eyed Jesse Brenner, typing forlornly at her laptop, trying to figure out where it all went so wrong. We’re then transported back in time nine months to see Jesse moving in on her first day of college. She’s sad to leave her mother and her little sister, and she’s concerned that everyone will think she’s a dork, even though she’s a super cute track star.
Jesse’s roommate is Shanna, a bubbly brunette who sleeps under a giant poster of herself. Shanna introduces her to some drunk floozies who share their champagne, then introduce Jesse to a cute boy named Keith. Jesse is traumatized by her awkward conversation with Keith, so she goes home to type “loser-dork-loser-dork-loser-dork-loser-dork” in her secret computer diary. Shanna cheers her up by taking her to a club and getting her totally smashed.
Hurrying to class after she oversleeps the next morning, she meets Colin, a sensitive, floppy haired musician who kicks the back of her chair to keep her awake during the lecture. I love Colin. He is a cheesy caricature, with his torn jeans and his messenger bag and his lousy acoustic guitar music, but I love him.
Jesse does not love him. He dedicates a song to her at a bar, but Jesse goes home with Keith and everything ominously goes slow motion before she bones him.
“I can’t believe I got so wasted that I slept with a guy on the first date!” Jesse laments. “Who does that?” Um, like, everyone in college?
Predictably, Keith doesn’t call Jesse for a week, and then, when they finally go on a date, some chick in the bathroom tells her that Keith has a steady girlfriend. Bathroom Chick tells Jesse he’s taking advantage of her.
“What if I’m taking advantage of him?” Jesse retorts.
“Well, that would make you a skanky little ho, now, wouldn’t it?” says Bathroom Chick, who is a huge bitch.
Jesse storms out of the restaurant. Meanwhile, Shanna has found herself a sweet boyfriend (who she most certainly did not sleep with on the first date), but still spends plenty of time partying and listening to Jesse. She even stays at school with her when Jesse is to sick to go home for Thanksgiving break.
Jesse’s mom and Colin keep calling her, but she blows them off so she can go drink all night. After sleeping with some dude who forgets her name, she continues to party all the time. She crashes a car into a fire hydrant because some thirty-five year old guy in a Hawaiian shirt asked her to park it for him. She returns drunk to her dorm one day to find her mother sitting on her bed. Jesse is so rude to her mother that Mom runs home to sadly fondle her late husband’s clothes. This movie is a huge bummer.
And it gets worse. Colin comes to watch her try out for the track team, but Jesse’s drinking has taken its toll, and she’s not fast enough. Then, she goes on spring break, wears a dorky shell necklace, and flashes her boobs to Joe Francis. Her boobs become an internet sensation, and everyone knows what a huge drunken slut she has become.
Now that the world has seen her topless, Jesse tries to get sober, with the help of ultra-sensitive, guitar strumming Colin. It turns out Colin ruined his life drinking, too! Hooray! They’re perfect for each other and will never be tempted to drink again! They even leave Shanna and the floozies behind at the big end-of-the-semester bash, and go to Colin’s apartment to drink tea and read poetry instead.
After a hot night of not having sex with Colin, because dudes who respect you never want to see you naked ever, Jesse goes to check on Shanna. Shanna’s not in her bed, though. She’s not with her loving boyfriend, either.
Shanna is dead of alcohol poisoning on a couch at a frat house. Of course she is. Of course the one character who isn’t totally one-dimensional is dead. Of course the girl who has a normal relationship with her boyfriend, is a loyal friend, and who parties but still gets to class on time, is totally dead. I hope everyone now understands that this could HAPPEN TO ANYONE. Except the main character.
This had its funny moments, intentional and otherwise, but it was nothing too special, and none of the “cute guys” were very cute. I did laugh out loud at the “skanky little ho” line, though. I almost wish a stranger would insult me in the bathroom of a Mexican restaurant.
HEY! IT’S THAT GUY!: 3
I don’t know who any of these people are, but Rusty says Nancy Travis deserves a 3 for So I Married an Axe Murderer, and I trust Rusty more than anyone else when it comes to campy movies.
Oh man. The moral panic, the girls who call each other “girlfriend” and borrow each others’ clothes– but especially, the way every guy who sleeps with a girl right away is a complete douche and every guy who refuses to put out is marriage material—make this one seriously Lifetimey Lifetime movie.
While watching this, I misplaced a glass of wine. My boyfriend discovered it on top of the record shelf hours later.
My Neighbor’s Keeper: BABY FEVER August 22, 2010Posted by Kate in laura harring, my neighbor's keeper.
I think My Neighbor’s Keeper is the first full Lifetime movie I’ve ever seen, except for that time I was in some pizza place in northern Maine and that movie where a teenage Jenny Lewis gets raped was playing on the TV at the bar. I have never seen so many commercials for birth control and cat food.
Here is the trailer, which shows pretty much every interesting thing that happens in the movie:
Laura Harring stars as Kate, a baby-obsessed woman who loves wearing turtlenecks and holding other people’s children while smiling beatifically and staring into the middle distance. The children she covets most are those of her best friend and next-door neighbor, Ann. Ann has a little girl named Ellie and a baby boy named Logan, and she loves complaining about the dumb shit her husband, Mike, buys. Mike works all the time so he can buy dumb shit like secret $3200 golf clubs that aren’t really a secret because Ann is a woman with a woman’s intuition, and because Mike stores his secret golf clubs in the garage.
Anyway, after a fun day at the lake, Ann, Mike, Kate, and Kate’s husband Tim, go back to what we are told is Seattle, except it never rains and it looks exactly like Cleveland. Kate tries to seduce Tim with the least sexy line ever: “my temp was up this morning.” Nothing like reminding your partner that you only want him for his sperm to get him in the mood. Tim’s like, “I thought the doctor told you that your uterus was a lost cause” and Kate’s all, “SHUT UP I HAVE BABY FEVER IMPREGNATE ME NOW” so Tim says, “if I have to.” I think he’s supposed to be joking, but he sounds sadly resigned to another boring round of sex for procreation with his baby-crazed wife.
The next morning, Kate goes to see her exasperated OB/GYN, who essentially tells her to get a new doctor because she’s sick of performing tests on her barren womb. Kate refuses to listen to Dr. Badnews, and talks to Ann, who advises her to “keep Tim on the job.” According to this movie, sex is the least fun thing ever. All that matters is BABIES, and if you can’t have them, you are a failure as a woman and your life has no meaning.
All of a sudden, it’s Halloween, and Mike is working late so that he can buy more dumb shit. He calls Kate to tell her that Ann seems to have left the phone off the hook, and asks her to go next door and tell his idiot wife to hang up the phone.
Cut to Kate running back into her house, screaming and crying and pointing in the general direction of Ann’s house. Tim asks her what’s wrong, and she just screams and cries and points some more, so he goes next door to find Ann dead of the world’s least gory stabbing. I have had nosebleeds scarier than this murder.
Even though the slightly bloodied knife used to murder Ann is right next to her barely butchered corpse, it takes Detective Billings and his silent partner the whole damn movie to find the killer, even though we all know it’s Mike. Their excuse? “There’s a lot of murders in this town.” Comforting.
At the funeral, Mike asks Tim if he wants to buy a boat. Seriously. AT HIS WIFE’S FUNERAL, HE TRIES TO GET HIS FRIEND TO BUY A BOAT WITH HIM.”I wanna get a sailboat,” says Mike. “It could be fun.” Mike sucks at pretending he didn’t kill his wife.
Immediately after the funeral, Kate starts freaking out over who’s going to take care of Logan and Ellie. Tim mentions that they still have a father, but Kate knows better. A man can’t take care of two kids by himself! That’s ridiculous! And what if something happens to Mike? What then, huh Tim? Won’t somebody please think of the children?
Kate tries to help by telling the detectives that she saw some guy in a Frankenstein mask knock on Ann’s door just before she got the phone call from Mike. They find a bloody Frankenstein mask in a dumpster halfway between Mike’s office and his house, and he is arrested for murder, but is instantly out on bail. Kate testifies at some kind of murder mediation hearing as a character witness, and she tells everyone how awesome Mike is and how he would never have an affair or kill anybody. In the car on the way home, Tim tells her that Mike actually did cheat on Ann, but it was just one time, so Mike’s totally not a murderer.
Kate gets all pissy and goes to Mike’s house to yell at him for cheating on Ann, because berating a grieving man is the right thing to do. Mike says he’s sorry for cheating on Ann, but Kate knows he’s not a killer, right?
“Are you?” she asks.
“Nuh uh, you are,” Mike says. “Just kidding. Now you know how it feels.” And Kate learns a valuable lesson about accusing her friends of murder. Awww.
The kids are at Tim and Kate’s house all the time now, and Kate even tells a stranger at a restaurant that the kids are hers. I think Kate is supposed to be the protagonist, but she totally creeps me out. Her husband warns her not to get too attached, and she says, “I’m sorry the death of our friend is inconveniencing you.” She shows up at Tim’s law office to ask about becoming Ellie and Logan’s legal guardians if “something were to happen to Mike,” which is a phrase she uses wayyy too much. I don’t understand why she felt the need to ask Tim this question at work instead of waiting until he got home. Tim wants to know if he has any say in the matter, and Kate is disgusted by her insensitive jerk of a husband.
Then, some dude that we never even see confesses to the stabbing! Hooray! Mike throws himself a “my wife’s murderer was caught” party, and Tim apologizes to Kate for being a reasonable person.
The neighbors decide to go to the lake again, but Tim has to do lawyery stuff, so Kate goes up with Mike and the kids. She looks through an old photo album and sees a picture of Mike with the Frankenstein mask. This is somehow more damning evidence than the bloody-fingerprint-covered knife left at the crime scene. Kate does the exact opposite of what any normal person would do: instead of taking the photos and putting them in the pocket of her bathrobe and remaining calm until she is no longer alone with a murderer, she hides the photo album under Ellie’s bed and then calls Tim to tell him that Mike’s a killer. Of course, Mike comes in the room while she’s on the phone so she can’t tell Tim anything, and then Ellie wakes up and brings out the photo album and asks Kate why it was under her bed. Good job, Ellie. New Mommy is going to get killed because of you.
After explaining why he stabbed his wife, because murderers love nothing more than describing their crimes to people they are about to kill, Mike drowns Kate. We know she’s really dead because she never comes up for air, and we see Mike standing in the lake holding her bathrobe.
Tim finally shows up at the lake. “Where’s Kate?” he asks.
“I think she went for a swim,” says Mike.
Then the cops show up with a soaking wet Kate and arrest Mike. Tim and Kate get to keep the kids, and everyone lives happily ever after, except Ann.
This was a very long 89 minutes. The movie is shot in dark, muddy tones, and the acting was bad in a non-hilarious way. I did like when we get to see Tim’s law degree and it says “Tim” not “Timothy,” though.
HEY! IT’S THAT GUY!: 4
I guess Laura Harring was in Mulholland Drive, but I haven’t seen it even though people keep telling me to watch it. Maybe this should be a ten, or a two; I seriously have no idea. I am embarrassed. But I figure if Brittany Murphy only got a four, I can’t go higher than that.
Let’s see: a point for baby fever, a point for our first glimpse of the husbands being a shot of them eating snacks and watching sports instead of cooking dinner, a point for best girlfriends who are always together, a point for murder, a point for Kate’s husband apologizing for hurting her feelings, a point for a woman solving a crime that the police couldn’t, a point for woman’s intuition.
GRAND TOTAL: 16
I can’t believe I watched this twice.
Hello. August 22, 2010Posted by Kate in Kate Sullivan-Jones, sweet disorder.
1 comment so far
Hi, I’m Kate. I live in Maine and I’ve known Rusty for a wicked long time. In high school, he once came to my house and mocked my mother for watching Lifetime. “Lifetime: where the man is always wrong,” he said. I was psyched when he asked me to write for this blog.
I have no idea what to write for an introduction, but Rusty says I am a “crackerjack writer” and to suck it up.
Usually, I write about clothes on my blog Sweet Disorder, where you can read about how I broke my foot wearing cute shoes. I love trashy television, so this is a great excuse for me to watch some. “It’s for my writing,” I can smugly tell my boyfriend as he rolls his eyes at me. Awesome. I don’t have cable, so right now I’ll just watch whatever movies I can find online. All the time. I love TV.
When I’m not writing about clothes or watching cheesy movies, I’m probably doing even girlier shit like making jewelry, buying makeup, or hanging out with my cats. I like going to rock shows. I have green hair.
Last night, for research, I drank red wine out of a weird red wine juice box and yelled at the computer as everyone in these movies did exactly the opposite of what a reasonable person would do. I also found that I’m really bad at taking pictures of my computer screen.
How did I manage to turn the flash back on? What the fuck? I will try to do better.