What Has Kate Been Up To? July 17, 2012Posted by Rusty in Uncategorized.
add a comment
So, as you know, this blog took a long hiatus. We were out of commission for months. I can’t speak for H$, but on my end it was just plain old laziness. And Netflix. Oh my God, guys, Downton Abbey is very good!
I will speak for Kate though. Kate was our newest addition, she did a few reviews, including my favorite, and then disappeared from the face of the Lifetime reviewing Internet.
Well, Kate has been busy. She has been in a band, The Outfits, and they just released their first record. Buy it here. Seriously, buy it. I am buying it.
Even if you don’t want to buy it, maybe give it a listen.
Without sounding too much like a lame-o, I can tell you that I am very, very proud of Kate and the other The Outfits (who I met at Kate’s wedding) and I hope they sell tons of records and make dozens of dollars and YAY FOR THE OUTFITS.
The Familiar Stranger July 10, 2012Posted by Rusty in 17-20, 20-24, the familiar stranger.
add a comment
The Familiar Stranger, aka My Husband’s Double Life.
We’re only at the titles and we’re already in trouble. At no point is the husband a stranger and at no point does he have a double life. An inauspicious beginning.
This was a weird movie for getting back in the swing of things. No famous actors listed in the movie description and a boring sounding plot. But, thank the Lifetime gods, 90 seconds in:
Oh man do I love me some Baby Michael Cera. This isn’t my first go around with Mr. Cera. Never forget Stolen Miracle.
Oh, right, The Familiar Stranger. This review will be awfully short. This movie was totally without conflict. There is no danger, no dilemma, nothing for the audience to care for or worry about. It is exactly how not to write a teleplay. I could distill the entire two hours into two paragraphs. But you, dear readers, deserve more. You deserve three paragraphs.
Patrick is married to Peachy (Oh. My. God.). They have two kids: Ted and Chris. They are the perfect Ohio family. Then Patrick is accused of defrauding a hospital by awarding money to fake grants. He took over $25,000 and ends up serving a suspended sentence. Ashamed by it all, Patrick disappears and leaves a suicide note. His body is never found. (A detective says the currents are too strong to which I respond: “OHIO!”) He leaves behind a wife, two kids, and a cancer ridden mother who immediately kicks the bucket.
Peachy uproots her family, gives away the dog, and moves to a neighborhood that you know is dangerous because there is a siren blaring in the background the entire GODDAMNED time. She begs for a job and gets one despite being crazily unqualified. (For that part of Ohio we’ll just say her skin color was qualified and leave it at that.) We get a ridonkulous flash forward (new kids; Peachy has glasses now!) and see that Peachy has made it. And then she gets a letter from the Social Security Administration asking for all of her kids survival benefits back. Patrick is alive.
Peachy tracks Patrick’s SSN back to Kennebunkport, Maine. Peachy confronts Patrick and has him arrested. He pleads not guilty but after being confronted by his kids he changes his plea to no contest. He is sentenced to four years in Shawshank. Peachy’s kids thank her for being an amazing mom and an amazing dad all in one. They graduate from schools and the family is a pillar in the community.
WHERE IS THE CONFLICT!? There was no dramatic court case, no sense of danger. The filmmakers thought about painting Pat’s new girl as some kind of evil hussy, but the movie veers off that route fast. It wouldn’t be fair and it’s not really that much different than Peachy being happily married to an extortionist.
The big flash forward halfway through illustrates exactly how ridiculous this is. Trying to make something from nothing. Living hard with two kids and a low paying job. Temporary layoffs. Good times. Easy credit ripoffs. Good times. BUT NO! We get five minutes of that. Then, boom, the future! And everything is fine! Even Pat did everything but turn himself in and then he ultimately pleads guilty! Aristotelian unities, my ass!
I think I did a pretty good job of describing how boring this was, yes? More demerits for the sound editing. Why is it that every Lifetime movie fails at sound editing? Ugh, that siren. I hated that siren.
This movie was really bad.
HEY! IT’S THAT GUY!: 10
I gave Stolen Miracle a nine in this category for Michael Cera, and that movie had no one else in it. At least I recognized Peachy from Independence Day. She was the white lady. Not the First Lady. The other one.
One of the older versions of the kids was in a few episodes of Veronica Mars. Not a big deal, but I spotted it a second faster than immediately. (Oh my God, he was in the Michael Cera episode of Veronica Mars! Worlds colliding!) (This blog and I used to be friends, a long time ago.)
The guy who played Patrick is like the ultimate That Guy. He is so familiar looking! Looking through his IMDB profile, it appears that I have seen him in like ten things. I recognize him from zero of them.
In order to get the plot summary in at three paragraphs, I left out one of the wildest instances of women’s intuition ever. When Patrick is less than 20 minutes late from work, Peachy goes off the rails and “knows” that Patrick killed himself. The movie plays this like she’s some kind of psychic genius.
Well, what’s the opposite of intuition? Because Patrick used that hysteria to get a TEN YEAR HEAD START on Peachy and the Social Security Administration. Bravo, Peachy.
Oh, and she’s the perfect mom. She had spunk.
GRAND TOTAL: 20
So there was no familiar stranger. Peachy knew who Patrick was the second she laid eyes on him. And Patrick didn’t have a double life. One of those lifes was dead. That’s just one life. This movie was built on a foundation of lies and boredom.
But, Michael Cera!
Drew Peterson: Untouchable January 30, 2012Posted by Rusty in Uncategorized.
Let’s start off with an admission: I did not know very much about Drew Peterson. I remember an Illinois housewife going missing and her significantly older husband being a suspect. I also remember that the husband’s previous wife died suspiciously. And that’s it. Seriously. I had no idea he had been arrested. When Lifetime announced that Rob Lowe would be playing Drew Peterson in a Lifetime movie, I got the Petersons mixed up. I thought he was playing Scott Peterson.
(Also, as an FYI, if you’re going to murder your wife, CHANGE YOUR NAME FROM PETERSON! If I was Rusty Bundy and I had a totally logical desire to kill sorority girls, I would change my fucking name first thing. That would be the first step in my nefarious plot. If your hometown has a homicidal clown problem and you’re named Gacy, people are going to look at you funny. Change that shit up.)
But then that trailer happened and suddenly this was all I could think about. I even wrote a practice post to get my head back in the game. So was the movie worth the hype?
Yes. Mostly. I daresay this is my favorite Lifetime movie based on a true story. Those are usually my least favorite, even worse than the ones about Christmas miracles. But this one rose above type and provided two hours of “OWNAGE.”
Drew Peterson: Untouchable follows the format perfected in one of the best Lifetime movies ever made: Widow on the Hill. The accused murderer is telling his/her side of the story to local media. In both movies, the format makes no sense. It’s filler. At least in Widow on the Hill the last scene of the movie is of the good guys’ turning the TV off. In Untouchable, it’s never clear when or if the interview ends. He is being interviewed and then he gets arrested? When was the interview? What?
Anyways, Drew Peterson is a psycho cop with a hilarious Chicago accent. He is very nasty to his third wife, Karen. Although, to be fair, Karen is kind of a bitch. I get that they need to make Drew Peterson somewhat likable so we can identify with Wife #4, but, uh, Karen was an abused murder victim? Has Lifetime ever portrayed an abused murder victim as such a pill?
Drew gets dispatched to a hotel where he meets a toothsome front desk lady named Stacy. There are sparks! When Stacy realizes that this humble cop is also a rich dude who owns a bar and a MOTHERFUCKING PLANE, she goes all-in and they start a sex affair. He buys her a fancy car and even sneaks her into his basement for sexxx while his wife sleeps upstairs. Smooooth.
Karen gets wind of the affair and a quickie divorce is in the works. She gets half and Drew gets to start over with a new, young, pregnant wife. A reasonable trade. But, ugh, Karen keeps being nasty! What is an ex-husband to do?
Lucky for Drew, Karen doesn’t show up to pick up their kids. Drew has a neighbor go into her house to look for her and lo and behold she is dead. Drowned in an…empty bathtub? That’s weird. Ruled an accident. Because who wants to take an extra look at community icon Drew Peterson? Other than Karen’s family. They think he did that shit.
The Petersons get a new next door neighbor and she takes a shining to Stacy. Stacy even shows her around the neighborhood, reminiscing about the times she snuck into Karen’s house while she was sleeping for quickies with Drew. Whoa. OVERSHARE. The neighbor points out that that is stone cold and Stacy is all, “oh yeah.” Now that she’s married she is starting to see the evil of Drew’s ways.
Drew gets more and more controlling as the years go by. He gives Stacy a cell phone and if she doesn’t answer by the third ring there is Hell to pay. When Stacy catches Drew going through her e-mails, she protests and tries taking the computer away from him. He shoves her into the television. The neighbor walks in on this and Stacy’s honesty is refreshing: “Drew just pushed me into the TV.” Succinct and accurate.
So Drew is totally crazy. Duh. The last straw is the death of Stacy’s sister (which really comes out of nowhere). After Stacy hugs her widowed brother-in-law, Drew accuses them of having an affair. Then he calls her a whore and a slut and tosses her around a little bit. Stacy claims the marriage is over. Drew doesn’t get the memo. He stalks her, breaks into their home, terrorizes her. And then she disappears. Drew claims she phoned* him after finding another man and ran off. Leaving four kids behind. Right.
*I have been watching way too much The Good Wife.
So obviously Drew did that shit. The media gets involved because the local newspaper reporter remembers Drew Peterson from Karen’s death. The neighbor and Stacy’s living sister circle the wagons and put up missing person posters in their yards and generally make Drew’s life hard. Drew, for his part, is acting like a crazy person. He gets engaged to another 23-year-old, starts a dating competition on a radio show, and talks nonsense to national media like Larry King.
The “Stacy took off” story starts to lose some steam when Drew’s drug-addict half-brother (Ethan from LOST!) comes forward and admits that he helped move a mystery barrel from Stacy’s bedroom to Drew’s car. Stacy’s pastor comes forward and claims that Stacy confessed that Drew went missing the night of Karen’s death. Drew gets arrested but doesn’t go sanely. He performs a slow-motion strip tease while changing into his prison oranges. The End. Thank God we at least got five seconds of topless Rob Lowe.
Oh god, I didn’t even mention “I’m untouchable, bitch.” I guess it was sort of anti-climatic? Drew Peterson was eminantly touchable. The police touched him and threw him in jail. Also, watching the trailer 45 times kind of takes some of the novelty away.
Still well worth anyone’s time.
HEY! IT’S THAT GUY: 8
I dunno. I don’t want to give Lifetime too much credit for hiring a well-known actor who is actually working on a regular basis. If they throw a ton of money at someone, that’s not really as impressive as seeing someone before or past their prime. That being said, Rob Lowe was the bad guy in two of the funniest movies ever made: Wayne’s World and Tommy Boy. (I guess you could make a case that a post-NAFTA Midwestern economy was the bad guy in Tommy Boy, but whatever.) And the dude banged a 16-year-old on tape and got away with it. Living the dream!
Stacy was played by the lady from The Big Bang Theory. I was shocked to find out that she is younger than me. Either she looks old or I look young. Karen was in Season Four of Mad Men but her character was shitty so no extra points there.
And Ethan! From LOST! He knows a thing or two about making pretty blondes disappear.
As previously mentioned, the Karen character was pretty problematic. Demerits. Everything else was spot on. Women being terrorized and abused but nothing can be done because of an evil man and his evil police force buddies.
GRAND TOTAL: 28
This movie wasn’t great, but it flies by fast enough and Rob Lowe does a nice job. Twenty-eight is usually a slam dunk recommendation, but, I dunno, it could have been more.
I do think the best possible outcome is that Stacy Peterson shows up after spending the last year in Tahiti and Drew Peterson sues Lifetime for a jillion dollars. If he gets acquitted, Lifetime might be in some trouble.
Sexting in Suburbia January 17, 2012Posted by Rusty in 25-29.
Tags: sexting in suburbia
It’s time for another one of our patented January pushes as Lifetime burnout is replaced with the optimism of a new year. And, let’s be honest, I need at least one practice review to get back in the swing of things before Untouchable comes out. I mean, have you seen this?
That is obviously the highest priority. But Sexting in Suburbia wasn’t bad either!
Dina is walking down the halls of her high school. People are staring and pointing and laughing. I suspect bullying! Dina opens her locker and a bunch of condoms fall out. Totally burnt, Dina. A boy, probably an ex-boyfriend, offer to help her clean up the prophylactic avalanche, but he is rebuffed. Dina storms off.
Hey, Dina. Why did you open your locker? Was it just to have condoms spill out and then put them back? Because you clearly didn’t put anything in or take anything out of your locker. So why open it in the first place, right?
Dina goes home, emo vlogs, and then hangs herself.
What is with these Lifetime movies and the vlogging? NO ONE VLOGS.
So now Dina’s mom, Rachel, must get to the bottom of this horrible tragedy. Clearly everyone is to blame for her daughter’s suicide except for her daughter. No lead will go unfollowed, no sext will go unanswered for!
The trail gets hot when Dina’s field hockey friend tells Rachel to check Dina’s phone for scandalous evidence. (“Most dirty laundry is offered up for public consumption” ~No high schooler, ever.) Rachel finds a sext.
We flashback to homecoming. Dina is looking fine and tonight’s the night she gives her virginity to that dude from earlier, Mark. Except Dina has second thoughts. She just isn’t ready! So she skips the afterparty. Mark is clearly upset at losing out on nookie and not even getting an apology beej, so Dina tries to keep things spicy by sending him a naked photo. Via text! A “sext,” if you will. Mark doesn’t really need the pick-me-up since he is knee high in high school poon when Dina sends the photo.
From a filing standpoint, this is a disaster. The movie hits the first commercial when Mark starts boning Dina’s rival, Skylar. But the first scene back from commercial is the sext. That’s the more dramatic scene! That needs to be pre-commercial. And then after the sext there is a fade out! Implying a commercial break! Did the good people at Activia Yogurt not want to wait an extra 90 seconds for their product placement? Ugh. Come on, Lifetime editors. Get it together.
Obviously the sext “goes viral” the very next day. Dina’s life is ruined.
Rachel is going on a witch hunt. The school administrators won’t help her look at everyone’s Facebook accounts and texts out of “privacy concerns” so she writes an op-ed that gets published on the front page of their podunk newspaper. The community needs to act. Since Dina sent her sext to Mark and only to Mark, he is arrested on suspicion of child pornography distribution.
Skyler is acting like a total B and is being set up as the obvious bad guy. Flashbacks show she was the lead bully in the anti-Dina crusade. She stole Mark, took the field hockey captaincy from Dina, and she had access to the sext since Mark received it when his penis was inside of her vagina. Motive and opportunity!
Rachel is the subject of some neighborhood terrorism after her op-ed and Mark’s arrest. Dina’s grave is vandalised (Dina Van Slut! Ya burnt!) and someone put a bunch of pictures of a noose in her mailbox. Things culminate when someone throws a brick through her window. (The brick throw is supposed to be surprising. It is telegraphed from a mile away by the camera angle. Another poor job of editing and composition.)
Mark and Rachel have a tete-a-tete and they both think that Skyler was responsible. Rachel just happens to be besties with Skyler’s mom so she goes in for the confrontation. Skyler denies any wrongdoing and the moms hug it out. But then Rachel finds evidence of the vandalism and intimidation stuff in Skyler’s bathroom! Skyler later admits to sending the text to one person, a mutual friend, Claire. Skyler’s mom points out that she didn’t tie Dina’s noose so not to worry.
Rachel asks the police to drop the child pornography charges on Mark (something she has no right to do, obviously) and prosecute Skyler instead. The police, and I have no idea how they did this without violating the Fourth Amendment, show Rachel evidence that the text “went viral” when Claire sent it to 40 classmates.
Rachel speeds home and finds Claire inside Dina’s room (?) watching some vlogs (??). Claire apologizes for ruining Dina’s life. But not for sending the texts. Wait, huh? It turns out that Skyler convinced Claire to narc on Dina for her sextapades to their field hockey coach. Dina is cut from the team and loses her field hockey scholarship (ahahah) to her fictional college of choice. That was the final straw for Dina.
Awesomely, when Dina confronts Skyler and Claire about this, Dina grabs Skyler’s field hockey stick and beats her in the face with it. That is the highlight of the movie right there.
Claire tells Rachel that she couldn’t have sent the texts since she lost her phone at homecoming. Who had it? SKYLER’S MOM! Rachel’s bestie sent it out because Dina kept beating out Skyler for all the varsity letters, scholarships, and boyfriends.
But Skyler’s Mom makes one crucial and TOTALLY INEXPLICABLE mistake. She kept a naked Dina pic on her personal phone. Like, as a trophy. Think about how stupid that is. Skyler finds the pic, puts two and two together (this also makes no sense, but whatever), and confronts her mom. Skyler’s Mom comes clean.
Skyler freaks out, storms out of the house, and is texting her mother that she “will never forgive her.” While she’s driving. And you know what that means! BOOM! Head-on collision! Yesssss. What a great throwback to the mid-90′s Lifetime playbook. So good.
Rachel confronts Skyler’s mom in the hospital. Skyler won’t walk again. There goes that field hockey scholarship! Then Rachel goes home to watch Dina vlog in happier times. Claire starts a movement with Mark to ban cell phones for the rest of the semester. Right, because it was the cell phone’s fault.
The movie was so delightfully stupid and over-the-top. The editing was bad to the point of distracting, but, hey, it’s Lifetime. And I love it when a movie about one thing also takes the time to use melodramatic tragedy to teach you about another thing. Like in When Friendship Kills, a movie about anorexia where one character drinks and gets hit by a car. Sexting is bad, but texting while driving is also bad! So many lessons!
HEY! IT’S THAT GUY!: 1
All newcomers here. Rachel was played by Liz Vassey who was Captain Liberty in The Tick. I guess she was in Dr. Horrible too, but, and I apologize in advance, I thought Dr. Horrible sucked.
You read the review, yes? This is some pretty Lifetimey stuff. Had to take one negative point because Mark and Skyler get a pass for having sex in high school. No one gets mad. No one gets pregnant. It’s a welcome change, but it’s a clear deviation from the Lifetime formula.
GRAND TOTAL: 26
This review was all foreplay for the Rob Lowe awesomeness premiering this Saturday, but it was pretty good foreplay. It will be re-airing Saturday, January 28 at 6pm eastern. Set your DVRs accordingly.
Hey, Lifetime Jokes on SNL! October 18, 2011Posted by Rusty in Uncategorized.
Holy mother of God it’s difficult to embed Hulu videos on WordPress. Sorry, you have to click to see this great SNL sketch.
Worst part: Describing Lifetime as “television for white women.” Uh, have you seen “Sins of the Mother“? And how could you miss that Lifetime is remaking Steel Magnolias with an all-black cast? (To be fair, if you have diabetes you are probably black or Southern, so that makes sense.)
Best part: “She named the baby Tanya.” “Yes.”That is a perfect description of movies like Sins of the Mother, The Pregnancy Pact, and Fifteen and Pregnant where the physical act of giving birth turns a little girl lost into a strong and forceful mother who puts family first.Makes me want to puke.
Invisible Child September 20, 2011Posted by Rusty in Uncategorized.
Wow, five weeks since our last post. Even in the bad times, that’s a pretty bad stretch of inactivity. Truth be told, the inactivity was especially unplanned. I started watching Invisible Child two weeks ago. But I couldn’t finish it. It’s not just bad, it’s a special kind of bad. Drop Dead Fred bad. Awkward. Not good awkward. Bad awkward. Just a bad feeling in the pit of your stomach for two hours.
So now that I’ve set the stage, let’s do this:
We meet Annie Beeman posting a help wanted ad at the local college for a nanny. She has three kids and needs some extra help.
A British student, not Louise Woodward, just shows up at the Beeman house a few days later and asks for the job. That’s right, our nanny, Gillian, just appears at this house looking for work. Shows initiative, I suppose.
But lest you think Gillian is a nutso, wait until you meet the Beemans. The architect dad, Tim, has no idea that his wife was looking to hire a nanny. Oh, and one of their kids doesn’t exist. Not even a little bit. This isn’t a “pretend the dead kid is still alive” dealio, this kid is a straight-out invention courtesy of Mom. The husband and the precocious 10-year-old daughter (Her?*) play along for the sake of keeping the family together. The four-year-old son is convinced this fiction, Maggie, is real.
Gillian is way too comfortable with this and takes the job immediately. As in, she moves into their crazy home right away. The mom posted this position in secret a few days ago and they already have full nanny quarters? That is weird? And she immediately starts giving an invisible child a bath! What is going on here!?
So, not to skip ahead, but obviously the nanny is evil. OBVIOUSLY. None of this fazes her and she keeps doing weird things. Her only previous nanny experience is raising her siblings, but she refuses to discuss her family under any circumstances. And she keeps undermining the whole charade! She keeps giving the fake kid seconds on its food knowing that the 10-year-old (Her?**) is going to have to eat it (and it’s always vegetables, not, say, a hard boiled egg and mayonnaise packet***). And, then when the 10-year-old starts to crack, Gillian tries to get her to move to England with her! It’s as 10-year-old as the nose on plain’s face**** that the nanny is crazy!
**** You get what I’m doing here, right? I can stop. Please let me stop.
When the 10-year-old refuses to move spend Christmas in England with her nanny’s family, Gillian goes to a shrink who confirms the effed-upness of the situation. Next step: Social Services! Social services is very interested. Too interested? They start asking too many questions. Green card talk is bandied about. Gillian leaves. Probably because too many questions will reveal her background as a kidnapper, right?
It turns out the movie was playing it straight all along. Gillian is normal. Annie is crazy for some reason that is purported to be legitimate (it is not), so she isn’t looking to cause any problems. The husband just loves his wife so much that he won’t do anything to break the spell. The kids? Well, fuck the kids. They don’t have to deal with adult shit yet. So, if everything is so great, who’s the bad guy?
Social services. They are the bad guys. They show up at the Beeman’s with armed officers. They need to speak to the kids or they will be taken away! I am pretty sure this is not how that works, but, why not. The dad’s lawyer even confirms it.
Gillian admits to being the snitch, but because she is such a good nanny, the family (sans Crazy Mom) decides to work around it. They set up a meeting with social services and deny everything. Gillian even claims she never brought up an imaginary child to the county in the first place. The daughter even goes as far as to claim the imaginary child is like Martin Luther King: She isn’t alive, but she lives in our hearts. The black social service worker is very impressed. (In case this wasn’t clear, that was not a joke. There really is a black case worker who sympathizes with the Beemans once they mention MLK.)
Coaching a pre-teen to lie to the authorities works and they all high-five in the street. The mom is so inspired by her family and nanny working together to trick people dedicated to look out for the welfare of children that she pretends her fake daughter died of a fever in her sleep. THE END.
(What’s amazing about this ending is that there are all of these horrible scenes where the mom is pretending she has an extra daughter and it is so awkward. Hospitals, schools, the boardwalk, etc. But when she “dies,” fuck protocol. THEY BURY IT IN THE BACKYARD.)
I was intrigued when I thought that the nanny was evil. Once that went by the wayside, woof. I repeat, this movie took me three weeks to watch. It’s that bad.
HEY! IT’S THAT GUY!: 10
The Beeman Dad is the ultimate “that guy.” Ladies and gentlemen: Victor Garber. BOOM. Mid-level parts in Titanic, Legally Blonde, and Milk? Garber is in the That Guy Hall of Fame.
Annie is played by Rita Wilson. She is married to Tom Hanks. More importantly, she is in one of my favorite movies of all-time: Now and Then.
Obviously the daughter is Ann from Arrested Development. That was clear, yes?
Surprisingly un-Lifetimey! The demonization of local authorities is pretty spot on, but the movie is about a married young dude and a younger, suspicious nanny teaming up for something other than kidnapping or adultery. That’s nuts.
GRAND TOTAL: 15
Just watch the trailer. It tell you all you need to know and you can save yourself 98 minutes or so of misery.
Devil in the Flesh August 8, 2011Posted by Rusty in 0-12, devil in the flesh.
I may have been too hard on Magic Beyond Words. Sure, the movie was pointless and terrible. But at least I got through it in one sitting. That didn’t happen with Devil in the Flesh. This film was a slog.
A shame, too, since I was kind of excited for it. Rose McGowan stars in one of her patented bad slut roles from the late 90s. And, sure Jawbreaker was terrible (despite my persistent crush on Fern Mayo), but it was glorious schlock. It’s the kind of terrible that you find yourself watching at 2pm on a Saturday while you’re fighting a hangover. So Rose McGowan plus Lifetime should have been a formula for something even grander. Instead, woof.
The movie opens with a slow shot of Rose McGowan (Debbie) with some late-90s post-grunge blasting in the background. It’s dark. Suddenly there is an explosion. Firefighters rush to the scene and ask Debbie if there is anyone else in the house. She doesn’t answer.
We jump forward a few days later and Debbie is being sent to her grandmother’s after the death of her mom and stepdad. They died in an accidental fire, although the police are awfully suspicious when they find a huge knife in what used to be the living room…
Debbie’s grandmother is a real piece of work. She is extremely religious and makes Debbie clean out all sorts of garages and attics. She also attacks Debbie with her cane if she gets any sass mouth. And, of course, it wouldn’t be on Lifetime if the grandmother didn’t give one of the worst performances I’ve seen in the history of TV movies. This is just brutal.
Debbie is forced to go to a new school in a dowdy dress that goes all the way down to her knee! With no bare midriff! This is clearly a death sentence in the late-90s – I refer you to the unpopularity of the gorgeous Alyson Hannigan in the first two seasons of Buffy – because Debbie is immediately picked on by the tough guy jocks and the blonde queen bees. Right. That is a thing that would happen.
While being mercilessly picked on, Debbie watches a teacher, Mr. Rinaldi, challenge a jock to a basketball game over a grade. So we already know this teacher has boundary issues. He doesn’t have issues TAKING IT TO THE HOLE, so he wins the game. Debbie is smitten.
Debbie makes a fellow alternative friend named Jane (the official name for people who befriend outcasts on their first day at a new school) and they decide to go shopping. And by shopping I mean steal some clothes and drink champagne on the bed of a pickup truck.
Somewhere in there Debbie has a fever dream where she is greeted at her grandmother’s by the charred corpses of the people she murdered. It’s weird.
Now when Debbie goes to school she brings an alternate outfit to change into. It is basically underwear. Suddenly Debbie is popular! So popular that the head queen bee, Meegan becomes her arch-rival. (Yes, seriously, Meeee-gan.) Both have obvious crushes on Mr. Rinaldi and both volunteer to help at his annual garage sale with proceeds going towards the school’s art department. This angers Debbie so she pushes Meegan down some stairs and fractures her leg. Jane seems concerned.
Mr. Rinaldi has sex with his girlfriend and she reminds him they are going on vacation that weekend. Sorry, toots, but this garage sale is just too important! She goes without him and they are fighting.
So the garage sale is as inappropriate as you imagined. First, Debbie shows up at her teacher’s house in hot pants and some kind of devious combination of sports bra and bikini top. And Mr. Rinaldi kind of checks her out. It’s gross. He also allows her to walk in his house without supervision and answer his phone. All the dudes on the block buy shit from Debbie because of that sports bikini and they end up with a grand total of $170. DEFINITELY WORTH DITCHING YOUR GIRLFRIEND ON VACATION, RINALDI.
Debbie comes home to only to be confronted by her grandmother. Her grandma discovered her diary (complete with love poems and flower drawings) and is going to beat the wicked out of Debbie. But not so fast! Debbie defends herself, grabs the cane, and beats her grandma to death. She kills grandma’s dog too.
From here on out, Debbie just amps up her inappropriate behavior. Taking showers at Mr. Rinaldi’s, buying him flowers, stuff like that. At some point she tells a jock that she and Mr. Rinaldi are in love and he tries to sexually blackmail her with that information. Then he tries to rape her. So he gets impaled to death. She makes a lot of snide remarks while staring at his corpse and digging a hole in the backyard. It’s played for humor. It doesn’t work.
Here’s what I don’t get about this movie: Debbie is clearly an insane bunny boiler who will stop at nothing to get what she wants. She is a psychotic. But killing her grandmother and her rapist neighbor are heroic killings. They were both abusive and she was defending herself. So why does the movie do that? Who are we supposed to be rooting for? The psychotic avenger or the tattooed, basketball playing teacher with no sense of boundaries? It turns out to be the latter, but then why have every single one of Debbie’s murders be justified?
The coppers finally figure out that Debbie’s parents were murdered and they learn that Debbie has always been infatuated with teachers. When Debbie shows up at a restaurant where Mr. Rinaldi had a date, a fight breaks out. This is the final piece for the cops to figure out Debbie is evil? Somehow?
Debbie barricades herself in her house with a shotgun and shoots a cop. Mr. Rinaldi tries to talk Debbie into surrendering but instead we hear a gun shot. It appears that Debbie has killed herself. Anyone with a brain would know better. I don’t know why Jane was hanging out during a hostage situation, but Debbie shot her face off to fake her own death (VERY X-Files Season 5). Rinaldi figures this out on the drive home and rescues his girlfriend from Debbie’s clutches. But only after Debbie slits a cops’ throat and stabs Rinaldi a couple of times. Debbie gets arrested and that’s that.
Ugggggggh.This movie was directed by a guy who cut his teeth directing Billy Joel’s music videos. The man clearly has no taste. Everything about this was bad. Seriously. Everything. The two points are mostly inflationary since I’m sure I’ve seen worse. I just don’t remember when.
HEY! IT’S THAT GUY!: 6
Rose McGowan isn’t nearly as famous as you’d think. After Jawbreaker and before Grindhouse, the woman was in nothing. But Death Proof is so good that I’m ok with not penalizing her too much.
It was also fun to see a Twin Peaks alum (Nadine/Super-Nadine) as the principal and a Seinfeld alum (Jackie Chiles) as a no-nonsense cop.
Only points come from an understanding minority police officer. The antagonist is a woman. (I think? Again, I never figured out the good guy here.) And even though she is physically attacking a woman, she is stalking and harassing a man. And that man wasn’t pulling a Fatal Attraction. He never slept with Debbie. He never led her on. He may have behaved inappropriately, but certainly not so badly as to earn getting stabbed twice.
How did this get on Lifetime?
GRAND TOTAL: 10
Never watch this. It left me with face:
Magic Beyond Words July 25, 2011Posted by Rusty in Uncategorized.
I have always been and continue to be a contrarian asshole. This is not a news flash to anyone who has made my acquaintance. But like Jules in Pulp Fiction, I’m trying. I’m trying real hard. I want to be a better man (mostly so I can bang the chick from the song, Better Man). I recently made a huge step in my path towards not being so unpleasant: I started reading Harry Potter.
Harry Potter came out when I was 14. Really the perfect age for a boy to avoid Harry Potter. I was reading Stephen King (scary clowns! swear words!) and Kurt Vonnegut (he sees right through the bullshit, man). A book about an 11-year-old British wizard? I knew even then not to use the word “gay” in a derogatory manner, but that is the gayest shit I had ever heard.
I watched Harry Potter become more and more popular and soon enough a new book coming out was a national event. Because I’m an asshole I ruined a character’s death from the sixth book and had “Hermoine dies” as my status message 48 hours before the final book was released in 2007. I don’t know why I treated Potter fans so scornfully, but I did.
Now I’m an old man. Twenty-eight. That means I work with people who are between the ages of 23 and 26. Jesus Christ, they LOVE Harry Potter. And I would never say this to their face, but they’re all nice, kind, intelligent, quick-witted people who are a pleasure to work with. So I convinced myself that I missed out. A friend lent me the first Harry Potter and I started it a few days ago.
It’s awesome. It’s so good. It’s not perfect (it is a kid’s book for Christ’s sake), but I am very happy and, frankly, excited to enter into this world.
So why five paragraphs of me (figuratively)(you hope) jerking myself off over my life story? Because I just watched a movie where a woman writes, has her mom die, and then writes some more. Then she becomes famous. I can’t imagine anyone other than a typewriter fetishist enjoying Magic Beyond Words. Not a lot of noteworthy stuff happens, and I have to write about something, amiright?
So let’s hammer out some notes on the movie:
1. JK Rowling is unpopular in high school. This makes no sense. She is slender and has a rich girl rack (a big B, think Paltrow and Lively). Her accent is sing-songy and she is obviously brilliant. Still, she is picked on by the Queen Bees of her school. But the Queen Bees are all brunette, overweight, have split ends, and speak in a Cockney accent. Um, the reason Queen Bees have power is because everyone wants to fuck them. There is no school in the entire world where the gorgeous blonde (and I prefer brunettes!) would be lower than these bullies on the social ladder. It’s ridiculous.
But still worth it to see Rowling get beaten down in a hallway.
2. Rowling meets a boy in Portugal and she catches him going through her stuff. His defense: “I am falling in love with you.” Relationship escalates.
Rowling catches boy in Portugal cheating on her His defense: “Marry me.” They get married.
I know Ernest Hemingway won the Nobel Prize for Literature, not the Nobel Prize for Good Decision Making, but for a supposedly brilliant person, what the fuck, JK Rowling?
3. Rowling ditches Portuguese husband after he gets abusive. She moves to England and applies for benefits. She protests she can’t live on 69 pounds a week. The caseworker’s response: “You should have thought about that before you left your husband.”
My job is signing people up for benefits, so I pay attention to how these things are portrayed in media. I am happy that the movie goes of its way to make receiving benefits look honorable. But no caseworker in their right mind would ever, ever say that to a woman coming out of an abusive relationship. Has it happened before in the history of time? Yeah, maybe. Probably. But, no.
4. So JK Rowling is apartment hunting and she finds a place that costs 300 pounds a month. She needs to provide an employment history to prove she can afford the place. Obviously that’s a problem. But the landlord lets her stay anyways because “it’s clear you love your daughter.” Wait, what? She makes 297 pounds a month. The place costs 300. But you’ve known this lady for five minutes, so she is obviously Parent of the Year. Another no.
5. The movie ends with a big Harry Potter movie premiere. Rowling leaves and thinks about her life and her (dead) mother. She looks at her own daughter and starts reading to her. Because no matter how successful you are, your worth as a woman is defined by your mothering abilities.
Not the worst thing in the world, just boring. It’s a story of nothing with occasional Sorcerer’s Stone references sprinkled about to keep the Harry Potter nerds in line. “Oh my God, that page says “The Sorting Hat.” This is where she wrote about the sorting! A talking hat! How droll! How whimsical!”
HEY! IT’S THAT GUY!: 0
Nope. Didn’t recognize a single name or a single face. I think this is the first “0″ ever.
I don’t know all the details of JK Rowling’s personal life. So maybe this was accurate, but the way her first husband is portrayed is fantastic. It’s like Lifetime panicked that there were no men in the movie and someone had to be the bad guy. Not just bad. Adulterous and abusive. Evil. Welcome to Lifetime!
Sort of off-topic, but I do think it’s awesome that she made it big while living off of the system. That is what the system is around for. I also love that she’s repaid the favor by supporting high taxes for the social safety net and not being a tax exile asshole like Bono or (I’m sorry) Freddie Mercury.
GRAND TOTAL: 13
Woof. I hope Ms. Rowling isn’t offended. She should know that even if her life story is whack, her first book is amazing.
Devil’s Pond July 18, 2011Posted by Rusty in Uncategorized.
I often wonder about the dynamics of the man-hating Lifetime movie. Lifetime movies rarely hate men wholesale. They hate husbands, boyfriends, anyone who the female protagonist allows to get close to them. It’s trust and intimacy that are threatening, not men. It’s sort of depressing. Who are these movies made for?
So, Devil’s Pond! A man and a woman get married and honeymoon in an isolated cabin. How do you think this goes for the wifey?
The film opens with a wedding. Mitch (Kip Pardue) and Julianne (the rotten Tara Reid) are tying the knot and based on Mitch’s speech, they kind of rushed to the altar. They’ve known each other for less than a year but they are wildly in love and love can not wait! Julianne’s family comes from money and they are unhappy that the honeymoon is taking place in the middle of the woods in the middle of nowhere instead of at some resort. But Mitch is a country boy and Julianne is a rebel, so into the woods we go!
They drive Mitch’s shitty pick-up truck to this cabin, and not only is the cabin in the middle of nowhere, it’s on a fucking island. And Julianne is afraid of water.
So they paddle over to the cabin and they fuck a lot. Mitch carves and whittles, Julianne paints. It’s all very sweet. But Mitch starts doing some psycho stuff like hiding Julianne’s birth control and keeping his truck’s keys locked in a chest where Julianne can’t get them. And he is always falling asleep after sex! That’s cuddle time, not sleepy time, silly.
In these happy times, Julianne cuddles up to Mitch by the campfire and asks to hear a ghost story. Mitch asks if Julianne has ever heard the one about the serial killer tormenting the married couple. But Julianne doesn’t want to hear that one. She wants to hear a story about a damsel in distress.
1. If you want to hear a fairy tale, ask for a fucking fairy tale. Don’t be all skeeved out when your husband offers to provide exactly what you asked for.
2. I swear to Christ, Tara Reid mispronounced “damsel.” She put the emphasis on the second syllable. Dam-SEL. Tara Reid is the worst.
After ten days of suspicious bliss, Julianne is getting antsy. She hasn’t been off the island and her cell phone isn’t getting any service. She wants out. Mitch freaks. This was supposed to be a two week vacation, not ten days. And Mitch didn’t marry a quitter.
By the way, Mitch is right. How would you feel if someone cut your planned vacation short by four days because they suddenly got bored. Wouldn’t you flip? Or keep that hypothetical person hostage on an island?
Also, it turns out that Mitch and Julianne’s meet-cute was elaborately staged by the former. He had been stalking her. Julianne is kind of pissed off about it. I think. Tara Reid’s pissed voice and her “sexy” voice are the same thing. Although to her credit, that might be on purpose. Even though Mitch has escalated to physical violence, Julienne still envelopes him. Mitch immediately falls asleep. That’s ladies for you, always using sex to get what they want. Amiright, fellas?
Julianne makes a run for it and OF COURSE the truck won’t start. In the background, a flashlight flickers. Mitch is coming. She threatens him with a rifle but she is too tweaked out on estrogen to fire a shot. Mitch beats her unconscious. When she comes to, she finds herself back on the island and chained to an anchor.
Haha, what a great metaphor for Tara Reid’s career.
Mitch takes to destroying all of the rafts and life jackets and what not. (He also non-sensically and conspicuously throws an axe into the lake.) He’s a strong swimmer so this ain’t no thang. But Julienne is apparently so afraid of the water that she will risk uxoricide rather than get wet. To be fair, I would rather die than swim through an ocean of spiders. But I also wouldn’t get on a raft on top of spiders.
Tara Reid’s default expression is open-mouthed confusion, so it is totally unbelievable to watch her devise and then carry out a plan. Well, it’s a little believable when you realize the plan makes no sense. First, she sets all of the matches on fire. Mitch freaks once he realizes no matches mean no cigarettes. He takes off swimming giving Julienne a little bit of time (an hour?) to hatch her brilliant plan. First she fishes the axe out of the lake and chops the anchor chain. Now, that means that there is still a heavy chain around her ankle, it’s just not attached to anything. So shouldn’t paddling be kind of hard with 20 pounds of metal on your ankle? Right?
Julianne gets to the shore and starts digging around for the bear trap that Mitch hid in the woods. She finds it (along with Mitch’s father’s grave…this is barely commented on), digs it up, and paddles back to the island with a motherfucking 25 pound bear trap and a giant-ass chain. WHATEVER.
When she gets back she hides the bear trap and somehow rechains herself to the anchor? Or something? How does one pretend that they are still chained to an anchor when that chain is broken? Did she tie the chain into a knot?
Also, how did she do this in the time it took Mitch to swim to the shore, realize the truck was broken, and swim back?
Out of the scores of Lifetime movies I have watched, this is the one that makes the least amount of sense. Take a bow, Devil’s Pond.
Mitch is back on the island and because Julianne is a moron he notices water everywhere. Then he notices the raft that she didn’t bother to hide. Julianne runs to the area around the bear trap and tries to goad him into stepping on it. That works, but only after Mitch SLASHES HER FACE WITH A KNIFE. What the fuck, Lifetime?
So Mitch’s leg is all mangled and he gets knocked out with a log. But he still has enough power to drag Julianne around by her chain. So she shoots him in the chest. So now a concussion, a compound fracture, and a gaping wound…so OF COURSE he can still tell Julianne how much he loves her. She takes his key, unlocks the chain that she magically welded back together, and chains him to the anchor. She overcomes her fear of water and swims towards shore. She hears a gunshot and it is assumed that Mitch has killed himself. Julianne throws away her wedding ring and walks towards town.
I don’t even know where to start. Tara Reid is the worst actress ever. Nothing made sense. It was gratuitously violent.
I would watch it again.
HEY! IT’S THAT GUY!: 6
I know this is clear, but I hate Tara Reid. And I love stuff she’s been in! American Pie* and Cruel Intentions are fantastic! And she should get credit for being cast in a Coen Brothers movie.
(It helps that American Pie came out when I was 17. And although I wasn’t on a quest to lose my virginity by prom night, I was on a quest to smooch a girl by graduation. Unlike Jason Biggs, I failed. Sad emoticon.)
(I am tempting H$’s wrath here, but The Big Lebowski is not that good. It could be good if they took out all of John Goodman, Julianne Moore, and Flea. Kind of sad that there’s a Tara Reid movie with a lot of problems and Tara Reid is not one of them.)
(Another off-topic question that I posited to H$’s boyfriend: How many people have masturbated to the site of (not really) Tara Reid’s dismembered toe in that movie? At least a dozen?)
Tara Reid also played a lesbian rock star in the only movie ever to be granted a perfect score by Lifetime, Wow!: Girl.
Mitch was played by Kip Pardue. I don’t know what a Kip Pardue is.
There is a startling lack of women’s intuition here and for a Lifetime movie it’s shockingly violent. A woman’s face gets slashed Tina Fey style. Icky.
That being said, it’s a good (albeit shockingly stupid) woman versus an evil man. And then you add in all those trust and intimacy issues that I wrote about earlier, and you’ve got yourself a movie that could only be on Lifetime. Seriously. The movie may not have been made for the Lifetime Movie Network, but it was made for the Lifetime Movie Network, if you catch my drift.
GRAND TOTAL: 25
A surprisingly high score for a real piece of schlock. This movie starts slow before rapidly accelerating into Crazy Town. Recommended.
Safe Harbor 2: Safer Harbor June 22, 2011Posted by H$ in 13-16, H$, safe harbor 2: safer harbor.
Did you know that there are actually TWO Lifetime movies named Safe Harbor? And that I have watched them both? I actually asked Rusty if he’d reviewed Safe Harbor before because it sounded familiar. If you’d like to read the first Safe Harbor review and find out how volunteering will get you murdered by street gangs, it’s right here. For the sake of simplicity, I will be referring to the movie below as “Safe Harbor 2: Safer Harbor”.
So. Safe Harbor 2: Safer Harbor is the story of Carly Segan, a tough lady cop who of course has a heart of boring, boring gold. Just once, I’d love to see a TV movie where the lady cop is a lying scumbag that sells crack to high schoolers. The movie kicks off with her and her walrus-faced partner Joe busting into a beat-up looking house to take down a wanted man. There’s some Three Stooge antics where Tracey ineffectively windmills at the brick shithouse of a fugitive and gets dunked in a bathtub, but she gets the upper-hand in the end. The big fella goes to jail, and Tracey gives his family a manilla envelope full of her own money so they can take a bus home. Joe good-naturedly ribs her for being softhearted, and then asks her over to dinner with the caveat that his sister would try to set her up with his cousin. “The landscaper?” she asks. “Landscaper?” he spits. “HE MOWS LAWNS.” Um, isn’t that kind of a landscaping thing, and maybe not deserving of that level of sheer contempt? She says she’s OK being single and she can take care of herself. He replies (and I swear to God this is in the movie): “When God created partners, he created them for one reason: to watch each other’s backs.” Adam and Eve, Jesus and Paul, Starsky and Hutch. Joe isn’t good for much, but he definitely brings it in the arena of non sequiters.
Things get crazy when someone finds a dead body next to Safe Harbor: a mansion that, inexplicably, is also a foster home. Someone painted a spooky devil face on the wall next to the body, so it’s obviously Satanists. There’s a gross conversation where they try to determine whether the woman was raped or otherwise assaulted, but decide that they can’t find anything conclusive because the leaves on top of her would “absorb the evidence”. Gross. But a valuable lesson to all of your aspiring defilers of life: you can do anything you want to anyone, as long as you kill them and cover them with leaves immediately afterward. They approach the staff of the home and ask to see their records on the kids to look for suspicious characters. The foster care staff says no, so they shrug and leave. So these cops don’t know how warrants work, and also think that leaves remove DNA evidence from bodies. Did anyone train these assholes? It’s a miracle that Joe manages to holster his gun without shooting himself in the fucking leg every morning.
I’ll give Casey a pass, since she’s a bit distracted. Going to Safe Harbor is difficult for her because she actually stayed there as a wayward youth, and has a close relationship with Olivia, the owner. Casey’s dad beat her mom to death in front of her and then went to jail forever, so she was basically orphaned and traumatized in one go. Safe Harbor provided a…hey, wait a minute.
I see what you did there, movie.
Anyway, Casey enjoys the chance to reconnect to Olivia, and they catch up on old times. Olivia is also thrilled to reintroduce Casey to her son Sam, who is a baller investment banker and a total creep. Through a series of contrived events, Casey and Joe end up working security for a fancy party at the mansion, which allows her and Sam plenty of time to catch up. Their flirtation is mercifully cut short when yet another lady is found murdered outside. This party is so exclusive, people are DYING to get in!
No Tales from the Crypt fans out there? Really? Fine, whatever.
After the party, Casey decides to do what she should have done all along and starts Googling Satan. Instead of a plethora of disturbing pornography, she finds that the spookyboo devil face is actually the invention of a local artist who applied to the Safe Harbor art fund for a grant (?!). They go and yell at him for drawing spooky faces for a while, until they come to the very obvious conclusion that someone ripped this demon lovin’ sonofagun off. This places the blame square on Julia, an assistant administrator at Safe Harbor who handles the grant applications. Also pertinent: she accidentally hired a child molester, protected him for two months, and then fired him when Olivia found out. Some looking into Julia’s past reveals that she has a bit of a sordid history, including some substance abuse issues and working as a stripper. As Joe puts it: “She ain’t daisy fresh.” Which is ironic, as Daisy Fresh would be a great name for a stripper. Casey’s female intuition tells her that there’s more to this stripper/molester superteam then meets the eye, and the investigation begins.
In the meantime, Casey and Sam manage to go on a date. Casey is late, so she and Sam miss their dinner reservation. He escorts her to a hot dog cart, which I guess the movie thinks is cute but I think would gross out anyone who has ever seen a hot dog cart vendor in action. Also, he’s supposed to be super-rich, so why not just go to another restaurant? It’s fishy. Casey, you don’t need no scrubs, girl. Also fishy is Sam’s willingness to let her walk home alone to her apartment through the shady hot-dog vendor district. Predictably, the murderer assaults her, and begins to choke her to death. Then he, uh…just stops doing that, and runs away. Casey claims it’s because the murderer (who is coincidentally built just like Sam) yelled and scared him off. Hands up, who thinks that Sam is the murderer?
If you didn’t raise your hand, get ready for the PLOT TWIST OF A LIFE TIME. Also, you are dumb.
Olivia is found dead next to a spookyboo face on the foster home’s big-ass veranda. This leads to Sam having a big baby breakdown and scoring some creepy Lifetime sex from Casey. After the booty call, Casey re-pants herself in time to help question Julia and learn that the majority of the home’s residents eventually fell into lives of crime and poverty. The child molester was blackmailing Olivia to keep this information a secret. Casey doesn’t cotton to this bullshit, and tracks him down in his trashy Chinatown apartment and nails his ass to the wall. Actually, to be more specific, she shoots his ass. The movie has another half an hour to go, but it still thinks that it has tricked us into thinking that she got the killer. Whatever, movie. We aren’t idiots, except for the people who raised their hands a paragraph ago.
Casey’s boss is not cool with the fact that she shot some random dude without a warrant or cause, so she’s put on “administrative duty”. This gets her back to what she does best: hitting the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button on the Google homepage until it provides her with justification to go rough somebody up. This time, it turns up the fact that her new hubby Sam is actually broke. A secret meeting with Julia confirms this, along with the fact that shortly before she was killed Olivia re-wrote her will to ensure that Safe Harbor would inherit her millions of dollars. Nice of her, but we can see why her primary next-of-kin was not 100% into this plan. Tracy goes and confronts Sam with her Google Search Results. We learn that the molester was never blackmailing his mom, it was just a ruse he concocted to get her off of his trail until he could get rid of the revised will and kill Olivia. She also drops the bombshell that she knows he’s been murdering the hell out of ladies for years, and somehow never got caught. Maybe someone taught him that leaf trick!
He dares her to kill him, she says “fuck you”, he says “no, you”, and then he goes to jail. In the last shot of the film, she’s sitting and reading to some kids at Safe Harbor. Fine by me, let’s see some credits already.
This movie was confusing and boring. I have no idea if the movie did a better job of explaining anything that I described above, because it completely failed to hold my attention despite it’s murderous wackiness. I got some laughs from the general ineptitude of the police and Joe’s nonsensical ramblings, but that’s all.
Star Power: 2
Eh. Casey was played by Carol Seaver from Growing Pains. Who the hell cares about Growing Pains still? Joe was played by somebody whose IMDB bio advises us to “catch him in the upcoming thriller White Noise, staring Michael Keaton”. I don’t know what’s sadder: the fact nobody cares enough about his IMDB page to update it, or the idea of living in a world where that phrase would be met with anything but derision.
Pretty ovaries-to-the-wall here. You got your tough lady cops, you got your murdered ladies, you got your evil boyfriends. Minor point deduction for the fact that Tracy’s women’s intuition was flat out wrong about 5 or 6 times during the movie. Don’t get me wrong, I deeply enjoyed watching her beat on people who did not deserve it, but that’s usually a role reserved for the inept male sidekick in these kinds of films.
So that’s a 15 for Safe Harbor 2: Safer Harbor. It’s a full 8 points lower then the other Safe Harbor film. I guess sequels rarely eclipse originals. God, Hulu has been a ghost town for good Lifetime stuff lately. How about some crazy murdery incest or something? I mean, damn.